I feel depression settle in today but it’s coming and going.
I continue to feel like I am not living my own life. I still react to our situation a lot and don’t find it easy to plan and then implement. Our business drags me back in. But then what would I even do?
The question that the Enneagram author said to ask yourself is, “What motivates you? What do you think about?” I hadn’t thought of it that way before. What is happening in my interior? I focus on the exteriors, what should I do. What I think about should drive what I do, who I am, not the other way around.
What do I think about? What have I felt good about doing so far in my life?
I feel I have lost my confidence. I continue to be judged by how this stupid business is doing.
Things I’ve thought of doing: folk dancing, writing, reading, hiking, organizing hikes, organizing groups of kids or people doing activities, buying/selling MCM stuff, spirituality, photos, art, humor, pottery, drama, organizing things, minimalism business, botany, house stuff, coordinating things, analyzing things, organizing and sorting things, marriage.
That's a big list, but it feels comforting to read through it. Yeah, it feels like I'm being honest.
*****
The condo got used while I was gone so went out to clean it. I think I'll be fine when they sell this place. It's had a purpose, but for me, I feel a weight to manage it. I stopped by a sheep farm to watch the baby lambs. Ohmygosh, they are cute.