Dusty, hot windy driving today down south into the Palouse. Heat in the high 80's. Fields ripe with wheat about to be harvested. I finally turned on the air conditioning on the drive back.
We talked today about the various areas of my life that I still manage and monitor: myself, my marriage, my kids, my business, my parents.
Overall, if there was a control panel with lights flashing, I'd say all systems are operational and some are even green. Several yellow. All levels are holding.
We talked again about the element of playfulness in a marriage and any relationship. How funny that this would be a key element to a successful union. Too much seriousness and one tends to wonder why you aren't happy anymore. Oh, my boring marriage.
These moments don't have to be spectacular. One of you smiles, the other smiles back. No, really. Something as simple as that. Easy, flirty; these are the beginnings. You don't go from serious to hilarious in an evening at the comedy club.
On our business, belief is key. Do we both believe things can get better, improve, be wildly successful? How we view that question will ultimately shape what happens. For most of our marriage, we didn't believe we deserved success and figured the losers we associated with were all we could expect. She suggested we talk about how stable we are, the hope and promise that's there, moving away from "we suck" thinking.
All of this has momentum that the universe responds to. Our vibrational energy will attract what we send out. I do believe that.
We're doing what's hard to make it better, and it will be enough.
What is the worst case scenario? We could sell it for what it's currently worth, and that'd not be horrible. Rest in that.
My family and specifically my mother. I realized this week that for my whole life, my mother has been the victim in my mind, but she chose the course she's on. I don't judge her for making the decisions she has; she had an incredible amount of trauma, and I can see what that has wrought in her other sisters.
But today, there remains behaviors that make closeness hard. She lied to me earlier this week, misrepresented what happened when asked about a specific situation. I realized for the first time that is a pattern of hers, as it was my father's. I don't know why; I don't need to know why. That's really not my issue. I do know people that do these things aren't easy to be close to. I feel a healthy distance and less sense of responsibility for her and her life outcome. I feel I can finally move on. I will not abandon her or hate her, but I will not spend the time I have trying to make her happy or worrying about her.
For the girls, discussing what kids at this age need, and it's the secure home base. It's not fixing or even regular communication. it's being there for them, being secure and healthy in my own life and helping when appropriate, but focusing on enjoying each other. No neediness.
For myself, we discussed my sense of still feeling like I'm not doing enough or I'm a failure as well as this sense of neediness with my kids and some other people. We did EMDR around this idea that I'm not doing enough as I recover and heal. Shouldn't I be working by now?
We started with that idea that I'm not doing enough or I don't know where I'm going, and by the time we were done, had worked our way to I have the resources and will figure this out in due time. I've moved from healing and recovery, to a season of discerning.
We touched on a variety of topics that have caused me anxiety: I'll end up like my family members that have given up, I've missed out on life, I've built a life that's based on someone other than my True Self. We worked through each one and my mind and body responded with truth in each scenario: I am not like my family members that have given up now and won't be, I've built a life on a foundation of relationships and experiences that will be a foundation for going forward and things will change as they always do, and I'm strong enough and humble enough to search for the resources I'll need for this next season of life.
Sometimes I wish I was done with therapy. A few people ask me about it once in a while, and I feel strange at times, going on two years now. I'd like the extra cash and sometimes, the time it takes. Overall though, days like today make me realize I'm building for my future and the experience is invaluable.
I'm blessed to have had this time with this great woman of insight and wisdom. I imagine someday, it'll be clear when I'm done for now. That's not yet today.
*****
Last night, we had a picnic with our tiny might community. We all talked about the pain people we love have and are hurting us. We talked about being commited to not hating, but struggling with how to survive in the midst of it all. I'm surrounded by strong, wise, seeking people.
*****
I took a nap in the library after getting back from my drive. I feel I'm hitting some new threshold my body has been at before in terms of exercise and health. I just needed a nap so just laid my head down and did it. Hahaha... the new, free me, napping in libraries.
*****
Stopped by Book People today and picked up a copy of The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning. In her book, the author claims she only keeps books she refers back to over and over again or are reference books. Others are gone.
In glancing through her own book (which I actually skimmed at store, didn't buy, so as not to have this struggle she speaks of #libraries), I found striking similarities with her philosophy regarding things and value in life with where I am and keep moving toward. It feels good, it feels right.
I also have put decorating and thinking about the house on the back burner for now. I need to focus on writing the class I've signed up for. It feels good to focus, but I'll be glad when things look a little lighter and brighter, what I have in mind for what's next.