I am beginning to wonder about the amount of time I'm spending in my head.
I sure got fired up hanging out with friends at the lake. We were down at and in the water, went on a hike, ate good food, slept well, were with friends. It felt good to just be together doing active things with a big group of people. It's hard to have that year after year with people and not have things dramatically change.
I like change but I also don't like the idea of switching friends every time I turn around. That's sort of tough on kids too.
But weekends are tough. I feel lonely more when we don't have anything planned. I wonder if I'm wasting my life. I easily drift to negative thinking and being.
I'm hoping to wrap up all this writing on my blog, and maybe take some short classes in areas I'm interested in. I was talking with someone today about how I took classes for two years at the community college, and it helped me narrow down my interest areas to what I wanted to focus on. (It also made me realize how much more confidence I used to have).
It seems I'm sort of back at that place again, but with quite a bit more experience under my belt.
On confidence, I wonder exactly what it was that took it away? I'd guess a mixture of things, with the ongoing, physical pain, stress w/ kids, our business and marriage, the changes w/ our families and faith, the past abuse and relationships. I think it took the wind out of my sails.
I don't want to be depressed anymore. I'm going to have to keep stepping up my game, mainly with strength and resilience to work whatever plan for health and happiness I finally settle on. I've made a lot of headway, but I have a long way to go.
I'm scared at times how much my life could mirror people in my family that I don't want to emulate in terms of career and life choices. I hope the program I'm building and working will keep me from that.
*****
Sunday I woke up so much better. Why? I wish I knew. More time with friends last night. Also, a continued shift to being more comfortable with myself and with Jay in all areas. I'm also accepting more the need to work hard with my new energy to try and meet goals and do more with my life.
Jay and I had another good talk today. We talked about how we're still very much healing, and it's an iterative process. We each take baby steps and see how it goes, evaluate, keep moving forward. We both still have shields up in many areas but they are slowly coming down. I'm starting to uncurl at home, unwind, feel less uptight here with him around and in general in life.
This in many ways is everything. All my work and healing, if we'd moved toward separating, what a different life I'd be living right now.
It also feels like everything because it represents hope, hope for us and others who don't want to give up on something important: a relationship, a community, growth. Sometimes, when you don't give up, it pays off. I can't believe what we've been through, and here we are, getting stronger, going to new places, not giving up.
*****
My ears continue to hurt and be filled with fluid, and I have no idea why. I saw the doctor and once again, got new medicines to take. I had some low moments in the afternoon after that, just tired of the gauntlet. It is what it is.
*****
I spent the afternoon cleaning. It just had to get done, and I don't want to hire a housecleaner. Jay was at work; I worked at home. Felt like the responsible thing to do and nothing like some hard work to beat depression. Too much thinking, not enough action.
I entered my first assignment for the writing class I'm taking. One of my classmates reviewed it positively.
I'm still not sure how to interact with the girls. I don't know how much they want to talk or not, what mode is best, etc. Kids and parents want different things at different stages. I'm guilty of feeling too needy and of comparing to what other families have or do. I'll be glad when I feel more comfortable with this stage. It's not like it was before EMDR, but I know I still need to change. Fear ruled in our family growing up. I'm still learning sea-legs for a life without significant fear.
Highlights:
- Accepting a more normal work schedule and mostly the energy to do it
- Hiking prep
- Hiking and relaxing with friends at the lake
- New vehicle
Next week:
- Keep focused on writing
- Get chores done
- Keep focused on therapy changes and ego changes; let go
Priest Lake, ID