When I feel good, when I wake up feeling good, gratitude for life flows freely.
I think of myself for years, waking up and in pain, already. i think of the millions of people where waking up isn't a new day. it feels like the same day as before, one full of pain and dragging yourself from chore to chore, task to task, commitment to commitment, then to collapse.
Here's my heart today to all who suffer from any kind of chronic pain or illness. I have no words of wisdom, only my presence and tears for your suffering.
*****
This past week, maybe it was the switch to gratitude, the time Jupiter spoke to me and said, it's not about you, the time I climbed the mountain, I am grateful for my life of friends and community. Maybe it was the wedding.
These very people are the ones who showed up for my daughter's wedding and her life.
I have always been unhappy with my own life in some regard, always questioning it and as a byproduct, my friends and relationships.
We have had friends that genuinely needed to go. We couldn't bridge the divide that formed as we changed so much from when we were younger and then returned back to our hometown.
But I've had an affinity for criticizing others while hating myself. My ego loved this activity. I'd spend time with someone then dissect the exchange.
Years ago, I became convicted of how awful that was and started trying to just love people. It helped. I stepped into loving them where they were and where I was. It meant I probably kept many more friends than I would have as it tempered my worst asshole tendencies.
But it was work.
I'm realizing now the easiness around anyone comes from a true belief that each person has the divine in them in some form AND that they are not a threat to you. Any weirdness in their life, guarantee you have something as well.
Dealing with my ego has allowed me to finally be fully human and feel less annoyed or threatened by the imperfect and wonderful friends in my life. It doesn't mean I am close friends with more people than before. I just understand what the friendship is or can be and either accept that or change that friendship.
My needs for the friendships have also gone down, and I'm just happier to be with a person that loves and cares about me, warts and all, both ways. We are sharing our life experience and journey together. None of us really know what's happening. We all showed up here a few decades ago and are making the best of it. If I can just be thankful for this ongoing, nurturing relationship at that core level, the details seem to slide away more - the quirks, issues, flaws and annoyances everyone has.
It also means I am finally giving myself grace for the inevitability of my own flaws; where I let people down, say stupid or ignorant things, talk too much, disappear too frequently, etc. I can only identify what happened, acknowledge it internally, make amends if needed, note how I could change in the future then move on. Shame and despair keep me isolated and removed, imagining myself and others can be more perfect than we ever will be.
*****
Just put on Sting's Brand New Day CD and feeling nostalgic. We played Sting alot when the kids were growing up. We also had a blast going to a Sting concert in the Gorge in 2000 that was his tour for this album. So magical.
So remembering young kids, being young parents, music, heat, friends, the beauty of Eastern Washington, Sting, getting locked out of our car, all of it.
*****
Saw the DO today. He feels he's getting close on identifying what's wrong with my hip and low back. My jaw still hurts as well and he worked on that. Tonight I feel tired and am remembering the years of just not feeling well.
*****
The puppers is eating dirt. That means she's missing something in her body. So we're giving her some bones and going to get some probiotics as well. Poor puppers.
*****
We took our consultant friend to the Klink's Resort restaurant this evening deep in the Channeled Scablands. I'm still mulling over a shocking step forward in learning and respecting boundaries.
The story of Harlan Bretz and the Channeled Scablands is world famous. A classic book has been written, other biographites and many, many tomes now exist to explore the topic of how it came to be known that this part of the world was once covered in flood waters, something Bretz surmised and was shamed for.
I figured this was a great chance to share the story with our friend as we took him to dinner and discussed the topic on the drive out there. I even got in my car to to head to the bookstore about an hour before they came to get me. I sat in the car, thinking. Do i really want to do this? Is this actually what's best for my friend? Or am I/my ego trying to fulfill some unmet need about providing value and doing something interesting to gain approval.
I got out of the car and went inside, no book purchased.
instead, I realized an actually interesting conversation would be to just discuss some basic facts, maybe read part of an article or something on the way out to the restaurant. Mention the author and the story and let him decide. Seriously. Who wants a book on Eastern Washington geology dropped in their lap with expectations to read it? Someone just did that to me on a different but equally obscure topic.
This feels significant, like, big. I'm listening to myself, my True Self. I'm listening to others. I'm considering the situation. I'm not reacting. I feel much more connected to the moment, to the people. I'm not needing a particular outcome to feel good about myself.
I feel like I'm starting to understand boundaries as well as loving myself. The combination grants me a greater ease wherever I am and with whoever I'm with. I'm getting free and it's amazing!
*****
I recently read that you can assume you're going to be a lot like the average of the five people you hang out with the most.
I've thought about that. A lot.
There is something in this that has been at the heart of some of my deepest fears of missing out on life.
I caught myself the other day almost saying the phrase, "Doing the next thing." This is something someone I talk to reguarly says when asked what they're up to. I cringe when I hear it because it sounds aimless and random. And then, it almost came out of my mouth after hearing it for the last several years.
I don't know what to do about that. When people change or you change, what do you do? I've ended friendships, moved away from some relationships, moved closer into others. It is inevitable that all this happens. Today I was working on how to shape your life to know what to focus on. I realized that taking care of yourself in some capacity should always be at the top of the list. It should. Your food, shelter, health, safety, emotional and mental health. I know that seems selfish, but I think even the most respected or logical spiritual traditions do not advocate years of self-denial and self-degradation.
How then does this fit in with relationships, ones that you don't want to give up or maybe can't easily, that have edges that are challenging?
It feels like a case-by-case basis.
Or maybe something radical, like you move. That makes things a little easier. Or harder.
What might change in my life with relationships as I get healthier? Maybe nothing. Maybe something.
*****
Finally, after dinner tonight, we walked around the little resort. We pointed out things, talked about the area a bit more, watched the sky change color.
As we were turning back around to head back to the car, the puppers made kind of a hacking sound. We looked down and something gigantic was laying in the road. Really, truly big.
It looked like it could have come from her, but actually, more like a burrito.
We both bent down and started talking. Is that from her? Should we pick it up? What could it be? We stood up, then bent back down. Finally, we decided it wasn't from her, not puke, so then started walking again.
By then, I noticed our friend had kept walking and was a fair distance down the road, just watching. We caught up and started laughing. Really, really hard. Yep, this is all part of the experience, being out here in Eastern Washington. And everything that's part of why we haven't been successful in business can be described in that entire encounter. Us, being unsure what to do, studying too long, feeling responsible, etc.
We laughed for a good ten minutes and in the car as well. I had to detour into the bathroom for a quick pee.
Laughing is so good, so fun. I need to get addicted to laughing.