I want to turn over a new leaf.
I've been deeply repressed for a long time. I'm sexually repressed. My creativity is stunted.
Work has continued to be a drain, but I have made choices. I have chosen to not come home and dance a little jig or draw or create. I just zone out. The pain has been immense and has felt like making positive steps not to be worth it. I want to change that. It feels scary, like I need to change something or things will just be like this forever.
Tonight I had a strong sense of just doing it, just stopping the negative talk and just doing something different.
Get serious about healing and about creativity. Get serious about self-discipline. Yes, that's a biggie. Self-discipline.
Freedom comes through self-discipline.
I'd also say it comes through self-expression and exploring.
Kay has said clearly that I need to stop being so left-bring heavy and go for the right brain. I need to stop learning and start practicing.
My repression and fears keep me from doing that.
Also, pride.
When I start something new, I want to be the best. I don't know where that has come from, but it's true.
So often, when I look around in my soul, it's not that great. I feel small often. I feel greedy and shallow. I have taken advantage of John. I have chosen anger a lot.
He is slowly changing. The personal work he's doing is making a difference. We also have gotten rid of staff that have been attacking him. He is reading some good management books and is learning how to coach and not just lead/direct. It's quite amazing to watch. I hope that I can change as well as he can someday. I am trying.
The work w/ Kay is hard but good. There is alot to buried there. I hope I can figure out how my resource team can help me. I still am so so anxious about work. I'd love to move into more of a peaceful stance.
*****
Lots of meetings today and mended our comforter. I wonder if we'll keep mending it or eventually it'll just get donated. I love it but it's getting beat up after fifteen years. Do have a bladder infection and did some training at the Y.
I'm trying.