Things are definitely moving and changing, and we are definitely trying to change and do better. Will it be enough? I don't know what else we could be doing right now, honestly.
This week ended with a weekend with a lot of depression on my part. Some mindless activities and chores like fixing some shoes, going on a long hike w/ a hiking group on the bluff, a movie and date at the El Que. I wish hearing the Holocaust survivor speak would have made my depression disappear out the sheer gratitude for all my blessings, but it didn't.
I don't know what else to add to what I'm doing to change myself and the situation, but it's not getting significantly better. It feels like I'm just still swimming underwater in a pool of cold water. I'm not drowning, but it's a shitty existence. I don't see how to get out, and so I'll just keep swimming until something materializes. I'm also trying to fashion a ladder to get out while also not drowning. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to keep from collapsing, and at the same time, locate activities that could improve my situation. It seems impossible and is utterly exhausting.
It reminds me of the Allie Brosh Part Two in her Depression series where her character keeps hauling herself around in a barren desert, unsure what else to do but not hopeful in any way that things might meaningfully change.
#canrelate
So yeah. I guess that's where things are at. Not hopeful, not quitting. I guess eventually, something will shift enough to see which way this ball is going to swing. For now, I'm in the wasteland.
Highlights:
- Still trying to change
- See signs of hope and change in us both
- Good food and drink
- Hiking in the cold
- Hearing someone speak who faced down evil and survived
Next week:
- Try some new positive thing, anything
