It's been three months since Jay's bio dad showed up and he started seeing an attachment therapist.
Three months to begin a new marriage.
That was the main topic with Kay yesterday.
Our old marriage is a well-worn highway of bad habits, reactions, patterns, feelings.
Our new marriage is still a footpath with brush that needs clearing.
We have much work ahead but it's work we both want to do and are doing. It's just going to have up's and down's, and we need to be ready for that, to not bale when things go sideways for a while.
She said that emotional states also change pretty regularly regardless of what is or isn't happening. Things just change in your emotions so don't be alarmed by that.
She said we both need to take a curious observer stance about what's transpiring and that we're in a transition period. Step back and observe as opposed to making snap judgments or letting emotions or thinking rule the day.
I'm excited for what is coming. I never could have imagined.
*****
I met with my parent's pastor today. He had a gap in his schedule and I snatched it up. I wanted him to know the reality of Mom's medical conditions, that if she ever meets with someone from church, she doesn't need someone to tell her to pray more. I'm disgusted and sick of the anti-intellectualism of the evangelical church, the guilt they rain down on their parishioners out of their own ignorance. Confused about what someone's genuinely serious concern or issue is? Pray with them and send them on their way.
As I was leaving, the pastor commented on my vocabulary. He seemed incredulous actually. "I don't often hear people use the phrases 'forensic accounting and Sisyphean.' Are you an English major?"
I was somewhat stunned but not surprised. I had come in a posture of hope and desire to connect on behalf of my parents. I didn't want to get triggered or be angry. I had to keep that in check.
"I'm an Education major and just really curious," I replied. I wanted to add that I was incredibly sad that it was unusual to hear someone use what I would consider sort of normal phrases if you're discussing the topics that we were. Incredibly sad but not surprising.
He mentioned how much he loved my parents, how wonderful they were, what a delight and support to the community. When I mentioned several times that they could use practical support right now like regular visits to their house, he demurred, refused to commit and changed the subject.
I don't so much fault him as the way churches function and are run. They aren't really safe places to invest your life's energy. Leadership regularly changes. There is little institutional history or memory of who you were and what you did. If you expect support in your golden years from a local church, I think you'll frequently be disappointed.
Often they are good people, but even as I think back on my own church days, we were in a community that focused on small groups. Your group is where your support came from. There weren't people at the federal level doing much direct support to parishioners except occasionally the pastors for dire circumstances.
So I get it. Where does your job end, as someone on staff? Who knows. It's one of the many reasons I continue to be intrigued by other forms of community that seem to be less risky, more stable and time-tested, less susceptible as well to something as volatile a change of viewpoint that could jeopardize these relationships, something I've experienced multiple times.