How do you know when you're recovering and when you're avoiding?
I am still trying to manage the basics and get back to some type of normal life. I don't think I'm shooting for perfection but maybe that's what I'm telling myself.
"When X is better, then Y."
I don't think that's what is happening, but I guess I'm holding it out there.
Why the concern? I don't have full energy. I wonder sometimes if this will be my new normal, that 35 years of intense stress just wore me out for life. Maybe I've used up a lifetime of hyper-vigilance and anxiety and borrowed some from a few other people as well. Maybe there's a few other people out there who could use a little nudge in their lives, a little wakeup call, but nope, nothing there. They will just continue to be super chill and everything, even things where they should probably have a little bit of concern. So, sorry to you; I wish very much I could have given it back.
Straightened out my spreadsheet where I keep track of most of the things I'm working on. I then look that over and try to plan my day. That's the idea at least. I do pretty well. I get sidetracked with new things and ideas that pop up during the day that are way more exciting than the idea from yesterday. I would say distraction is a hobby of mine I'm trying to get rid of. At least partly. Sometimes it's fun to wander off and forget everything you were supposed to be doing.
KT and S got their marriage license today as well as signed the lease on their new apartment. We're excited to see it, might do a shower gift run just for that reason.
Something happened yesterday afternoon regarding my Mom. Jay met with cousins of his Dad. Jay told them about the situation with my Mom. They said they'd pray. I had been so angry all week and weekend, just mostly my head swirling around with very, very dark thoughts. Something yesterday afternoon changed.
I wonder if it was the prayers. I wonder if was me just wanting to not be negative, to being open to prayers and a way of thinking about this differently than what my ego is telling me.
I finally felt like I could accept the reality that this is not going to go as I'd hope, mainly for my Mom's sake. I accepted that I will do what I can but may not be able to do what is best. I accepted that so much of this is because of how they are, some of it related to their own pain, and that there are no villains.
This morning, I woke up and had the thought to contact the person they've worked with on the two investments my Mom has. Maybe they will listen to him when the message comes that they need to stop spending money like they are. I reached out to him and he's willing and ready to help.
I have struggled with being transparent. It's been one way I've survived. I haven't been that transparent with friends. I have some with group because it's not super risky; we only spend a few hours a month together.
I am more honest in recovery but even then it is limited contact.
What would happen if I started to open more to the people I believe are my closest friends? Will they accept who I really am? That is what I am afraid of. I have been hurt many times by people who didn't like where I was going. I don't know where this leads, and right now, I just don't know how much rejection I could handle.
I know I can tell this is something that will have to change.