I am meeting with a few interior designers to help make some decisions about our house, both current issues and for the (hoped-for) future remodel.
I finally realized I just need some extra education and direction I can't seem to find in books and on blogs. I have a strong sense of design but don't fully understand how the principles of design work to pull the things together confidently that I love. I'm excited to work with one or two people for a little while to shore up my skills and have them help me/us.
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Met with Kay today for an hour via FaceTime instead of driving. I made a mistake in scheduling and so we settled for that. Not bad as I got more yard work done and met w/ the designer. Also, writing.
We talked about what I want to focus on next as well as sexuality and gender. That's an area I'm becoming increasingly interested in and excited to explore.
I talked about how I've basically shut down in my mind any sexual thoughts about myself, Jay, the world, anything. A few things that have opened my eyes to how sad that is.
The latest Daily Mediations have been highlighting sexuality and gender. It has opened my eyes to how much my sexual dysfunction and views were from the church, not just my abuse. It's hard to even pin down the hundreds if not thousands of big and small ways the church repressed sexuality and has been historically quite misogynistic. The church for me never connected intimacy and sexuality and how when we do not have intimacy in sexuality, we miss a big part of ourselves resulting in dysfunctional behaviors in other areas of our lives.
Now to be fair, the church also has done an amazing job of focusing on marriage education and training, probably better than any other organization committed to gathering people together for one reason or another. Unfortunately, I feel the marriage education is still often misogynistic and does not allow for more progressive ideas or conversations around sexuality and gender.
I do feel tired by all the work I'm doing, but I want this to be on the docket for the next several months to help me heal. Kay indicated that she's not a sexual therapist or specialist so if we feel that's needed, she can help me find someone here. I'm hopeful that with the changes Jay is making and returned closeness/safety there as well as continued EMDR and Lifespan work, that will be enough. I sort of dread the idea of seeing yet another therapist.
Finally, we talked about my own gender identification and specifically, some masculine traits I've always wondered about. Again the Daily Meditations have brought to light the masculine and feminine energies commonly defined and how people tend to have those across a varied spectrum. I've never felt like a man or wanted to be a man, but I definitely have found myself more identifying with men in many specific situations. I have felt more comfortable with my power around men who tend to be less threatened by it. I have struggled to rectify my strong personality with the church especially and sometimes, women who aren't my close friends who understand, appreciate and accept me.
It is freeing to realize these are indeed more masculine qualities that this woman-gendered person at least possesses. It makes me feel more calm to be getting clarity on this and to accept and be excited about my blend of skills (and weaknesses)