Yesterday was my brother's 50th birthday.
I texted him the night before and sent a card. I said I hoped we'd get together for lunch sometime.
I reached out to him back in March to see if we could get together to talk about Mom. We didn't have any luck connecting. I haven't heard from him since.
He knows I'd like to talk to him about Mom and at least have him be informed, at least show interest or care.
I have to accept that this just isn't something he's either capable of or interested in. We had a similar though not identical childhood. He married an abuser; I was becoming an abuser.
I've spent some time being angry with him about his lack of involvement in things related to our mother, but I can't count the times I also have wanted to run away from it all. It can be overwhelming and has taken a great deal of personal work to be able to stay in the game so to speak. I have significant boundaries with her and still have been negatively affected.
So happy birthday, little brother. I'm sad that your life has had so many relational disappointments. I'm sad that you disappear into projects to numb some of your pain and disappointment and hurts of being bullied as a kid, having a mentally-ill father, marrying a bully, have a strong, older sister that you can't relate to, having an unhealthy mother. I would and do wish better for you.
I forgive you for not being able to be there for me while I try and support Mom. I hope someday we can be more honest with each other and you find the peace you deserve. I'm sorry for the ways I've put expectations on you and didn't let you live life how you chose without my judgment. If I am honest, I'm angry and sad we aren't closer. I have a few ideas why; I just wish it hadn't gone this way.
I will always love you and be grateful for our shared memories as kids. We survived it all, and I'm slowly reclaiming the good memories I have of our childhood. Many of them have you in them.
Take care of yourself.
Celebrate yourself at this half-century mile marker.
You deserve it.