We started the week at the beach and ended back at home.
I would say this is the first week in years where I have felt a return to the necessity to put my head down and work hard, both with my energy and attitude. Two years ago, Kay told me to be extremely careful anytime I feel the urge to push myself. She said basically if you push yourself, you could end up worse off and very quickly.
So it felt strange, yesterday on a sunny afternoon, to want to take a nap or at least be lazy and to look around the backyard and decide to do some cleanup instead. It felt strange on the day before that when I felt deeply sad about something I'd read related to trauma, that I again didn't go home and nap; instead I went to a cheery movie.
As I make some changes, I feel very old, deeply ingrained habits and ways of coping rear up. Anger. Frustration. Resentment. A desire to be distracted and withdraw. Avoidance. Blaming. Drinking.
Many large efforts and projects are facing us this spring and the rest of the year. My parent's health is rapidly declining. We are planning a wedding. Our business is moving into a new office space. We need to work on our house. This on top of sort of normal, adult daily living (or ADL's I'm learning they're called).
In the past, these scenarios typically spin me out. I have a series of conflicting negative emotions that keep life unpleasant and unproductive. I feel resentful of what needs to be done. I feel abandoned in those efforts. I go ahead and do them but often with a lot of anger. I don't know how to express that well. I fight with Jay and around it goes. I don't enjoy it.
In the past, there were many things out of my control that created anger and a sense of hopelessness in me. Many of those circumstances are no longer in play. Some of them naturally diminished; others we or Jay and I together have actively changed. Now, I have choices where before, I felt in a near panic much of the time by what seemed like a dead end loop I'd found myself in.
So if I'm being honest, that excuse if you will is no longer there. I am strong enough and healthy enough now, probably almost fully recovered from an adrenal perspective, to step up to the plate and start more heavy lifting again.
I can feel the ease at which you can slip back into blaming and shaming, of myself and others. That's the old me, and it's not my True Self.
This absolutely is taking work to change. These are the goals you pursue that have to do with life quality and not what feels necessarily good in the moment.
So this week, alot of progress on emotional processing, less triggering, good conversations, positive tracks being laid down, hard work and no excuses.
Seaside, OR
CHANGES/REFLECTIONS:
- I am learning much, trying to absorb all that's happening in key relationships and within myself
- I'm getting stronger, less triggered, less defensive
- I'm still getting a grasp on mental health basics. It's tiring but going in the right direction
- The ocean never, never gets old