Something about weekends makes me excited and anxious both.
Friday night especially feels fraught with the potential to set your social order on a weekly basis. If you have nothing going on in a traditional sense on Friday, what kind of person are you? I ask myself that.
In the winter all I want to do on Friday nights is make a fire, play soft music (mostly Hawaiian and French jazz which sounds pretentious but feels super nerdy/strange to me), work on genealogy and read books. t's all at home and no one else is here. Just us: me, Jay, babyboo puppers.
I don't really know how the world is supposed to work. I saw a kid's drawing the other day that had a crayon picture of the moon and the following bullet points: 1. We are in Space 2. No one knows what's going on 3. I love you.
That pretty much sums up how I feel all the time. I feel almost everyday that there seems to be no real codebook for how to live life at least in this country and at this stage of the game. We don't belong to a tribe, our country is mostly about buying things and so it would seem alot of other countries are as well.
My spiritual faith probably more than ever has a vibe and feeling to it that lends a lot of structure to my life. It makes it seem that what I want to do isn't as crazy as I make it seem. It makes it seem that following your heart is what a lot of life is about and knowing God is in the mix.
I read this amazing thing today while doing a Centering Prayer practice:
"God and our True Self are not separate.
Though I am not God,
God and my True Self are the Same Thing." -Thomas Keating
This is what God and I feel like doing this evening. It's taken me a long time to be okay with that. I sit here and listen to my fire pop and spit. These are logs from the tree that fell into our backyard in the 2015 wind storm. When these logs are done, I'll find some others.
I spend a lot of my walks at the park picking up logs and branches for the fires of the winter. It feels primal and wonderful, a blessing that came out of the storm.
On it goes, the wondering and searching and praying.