Events: Jay and I had our first therapy session together in years. We uncovered deep things and are processing the past without triggering or activation. There is pain there, but growing understanding of what we have each experienced in this long dance of life together.
Feelings/Thoughts: He is using language that is vulnerable and reflective. His wounds are healing and he is seeking his own counsel. He seems more playful. He seems hopeful. He seems less stressed, but more determined than ever to see this through to a healthy place.
I'm listening and asking questions. I'm not interrupting. I assume he has something interesting to say. I assume he doesn't need my help at work, that however this is going to look, it will largely be without my involvement.
What do you do when the one you love has hurt you deeply? When do you give up? How do you survive? How do you heal?
I have wondered what is better for myself and for the girls, to see a mother refuse to give up on love and a family, or to see a woman that is unhappy and not able to change.
I have thought through these questions for years now, never fully knowing the answers.
Overwhelmed by the topic, I have taken things in small chunks. What can I do to make myself healthier without this person being in the equation. Am I healthy, by myself? If I lived on my own, how healthy would I be?
I began honestly evaluating my own life and realized that some of the things I disliked most about my life had nothing to do with my partner. My spiritual practices were also all pointing in this direction. Do your own work. Heal yourself. Let the rest be handled by a greater spirit than yourself, for now. Release this and get healthy.
So I have. My marriage is one part of my health and it influences many other things. In my case, fortunately, my marriage has provided good things in the midst of the rough. I've tried not to forget that and be honest with assessments. There are rarely villains.
This coming Monday, our new salesperson starts. The day is exactly one year from the day our last director resigned. I think sometimes the Divine in the universe gets a kick out of being show-offy. I truly do. The Story unfolds with beauty, pattern and symbols that are supposed to enrich and stabilize us. For someone with raw nerves, we need everything we can get and daily doses at that.
We are deep in the winter but the weather is warm. This is the opposite of last year where we were out chopping the berms and ice ruts in the sidewalks and driveways. I went on a hike yesterday afternoon. I'm writing today and reading by a fire.
I couldn't have envisioned peace or happiness in my life two years ago. I am taking it one day at a time, but the future appears brighter.
Synopsis: Positive change is the elixir of life.