A weekend flooded with emotions, some positive, some negative, overall just way too many emotions and not enough downtime.
Today, absolutely fried and numb. Not able to talk to the hubs and sad about how much pain we share between us.
Somehow.
I've fallen
Into the fires of the earth.
Where everything is decided.
Some days I don't know if we are going to make it. I decided today that was silly talk, and I need to take care of myself instead of being dramatic. He's bummed this is how the first day here is working out. He officially said I'm doing shitty. I'm happy one of us didn't leave on a plane. I think he's trying. it's strange that he's trying to grasp and process that I am not intentionally trying to hurt him. This is what I've had to try and process for years of living with him.
This evening after we arrived at the beach, I went on a long walk. I knew I needed that. My brain and soul were a haze but I had to walk. I wanted to eat alone, and spent two wonderful hours at the Pacific Way Cafe by myself. I listened to their French jazz and ate their amazing food. I for once didn't blame myself for not owning and managing my own fantastic tiny restaurant in a seaside town. I read a magazine called Mindful that I picked up at Powells.
All of this? I know that God or the divine energy of the world inside myself directed to all of these positive things. I was making new choices in a mind space I usually spiral downward. I could tell by dinner that I was taking care of myself, that I was doing better. That gave me courage.
It also helped to talk to KT. She sounded strong, she sounded glad we were vacationing. She said she was glad we talked about hard things but will want a boundary from the topic for a while. These are new, complex things to talk about and consider.
I'm tired.
It's time for bed, that's all I need right now. Tomorrow's another day.