When you feel anxious and triggered, it's unsettling.
When you don't really know why, it's even more unsettling.
My body aches and hurts. I'm tired of the hard work and what feels like the ongoing cycle of doctors and providers. Today my neck and shoulders hurt worse, tomorrow it's better. Now my hips hurt again and I can't sleep; the next day it's better. Not sure any connection or what is making things better or worse.
Jay is seeing an attachment therapist and today was the second visit. He's sad at how long it's been that he's been disconnected from reality, from me. He's genuinely sad.
I'm having a range of feelings. Seeing him acknowledge yes, it's been bad, I feel encouraged but also angry. It's been awful, truly. I'm encouraged this means we probably won't get a divorce, but the pain and hurt that have lasted years, it will be something to take time to recover from. I guess some of it will be what will the new normal be.
So yeah, my body feels broken tonight. I haven't been able to work out this week. I just feel raggedy and broken. I need a good night's sleep.
On the plus side, our group last night was full of more vulnerability, transparency, wisdom, insight. P mentioned how her friend keeps sending her devotional books and it's just not where she's at. A mentioned how she and her son say goodnight to Brother Moon and welcome Sister Sun, a broad encompassing of our connectedness to all of the earth, not just humans. I loved that, love that. I love that people are sharing these stories, and we're welcoming it all.
So focus on the beauty, focus on God with us and in us. Focus on my own beauty and strength, the acknowledgment of all the good that is everywhere.
And get a damn good night's sleep.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" - Mary Ann Radmacher