What is depression like?
Depression takes pleasure out of everything.
It's like watching your favorite movie (and really, really wanting to watch it), but everything is different. There is no sound. There isn't any color. There are glitches in the quality, jerky lines that interrupt the flow. Maybe it just stops right at the best part, over, for no reason. It's the opposite of relaxing and enjoyable, comfortable. It seems like it's the same, but it's just the opposite.
That's a bit like what depression is like. You're alive, but color, flavor, sensory experiences, depth, positive emotions and thoughts, those are almost all gone.
We have hardwood floors in almost every room on the main floor. They did those kinds of crazy things when building small ranchers back in the 50's. Lucky us.
I remember sliding on them as a kid. As an adult, I also used to slide on them. Just sneaky little slides from the bedroom to the bathroom.
I realized the other day I stopped doing that years ago. So much energy expended. Quickness. Spontaneity. When was the last time I moved quickly? When was the last time I combined feeling energetic, happy and spry? Let alone slide on a wood floor?
Years. Years of dry, sawdust living (no disrespect to sawdust). Years of moving slowly, methodically. Years of surviving, going from point A to point B. Fulfilling obligations, eating, moving around, completely dead inside. No sliding.
Yesterday as I was heading to the front door in my stocking feet, I sped up and slid on our wood floors. I just slid aross the floor, arms out, and then felt the smile come. Then a few tears. Tears still come when I least expect it.
I realize I'm coming back to the best parts of myself that I've missed, and I'm discovering new parts of myself I've never known.
I guess that's progress.
Yes, it is.