I'm so sad at the people I have wounded.
Contemplating my own role in wounding others, this is an emotion or thought process I've not allowed myself.
Living traumatized does not allow for maturing and reflection. Your steady state remains paralyzed, protected and shields up. Stability requires you to believe most if not all difficulties in your life come from outside yourself.
As our marriage heals and the past begins to be reintegrated, I can sense I will have much growing to do. I have weak relational muscles in quite a few areas. I recognize some of the same self-centeredness that was a hallmark of my father. I find myself lost in conversations where I'm unsure what to do when I no longer feel threatened. I am unpredictable in relationships.
Approaching personal growth and change from a solid foundation feels very different. Before, I felt threatened by even a hint that I was doing something wrong or off. Now, I can see how limiting that way of living is and will be for my future.
I'm firm in my commitment to healthy growth which will mean feedback from people I trust and events as they unfold. My own ego will fight this but is being put in its proper place, being reminded that today is safe and we can grow.
I'm doing this for myself and for the people that love me. It's time.