Events: Bio dad contacts Jay; new salesperson finishes off second week of training; processing childhood sexual abuse; wedding planning.
Learning/feeling: What does it look like to live less anxious? When stress swirls around you, what does it look like to let it come and go without picking most of it up? What does it look like to experience stressful or tiring events and respond healthfully?
Well, it means you aren't depressed, angry, hostile, attacking, withdrawn, but you are quite tired. We both slept this weekend. We planned little. We "accomplished" little. We recovered.
Last week, we accomplished a great deal. There should be corresponding periods of rest and recovery after a workout so to speak. We rarely do that in life. At least, life in America.
I haven't felt like skiing all winter. I haven't once told myself I need to go more. The juice hasn't been worth the squeeze so I just haven't.
Finally, at a recovery meeting this evening, someone mentioned that there is no such thing as not changing. Change will happen to you or you will engage it. That was strangely hopeful to me. I've felt for a long time that it's lonely to try and change. But actually, there is change everywhere; I'm just choosing positive change.
Synopsis: Once again, I'm reminded of how developing new patterns and practices undergirds transitioning to a healthier way of living. Life will not stop being stressful. People will continue to do funky things. Life events will be random and chaotic. Forcing things to be otherwise will take time away from getting and staying healthy. I don't think you can focus on both safety and strength at the same time.
It felt good to give myself permission, give us permission, to rest and recover. The negative thoughts and thinking are disappearing, so no voices telling me what a lazy asshole I am.
We have a week to go before a vacation. We will need it but we're making it here.