I've benefited alot just from the drives and time with Kay. It's been helpful to have someone that understands and listens. That alone has made a difference in my anxiety levels this year.
That I'm actually changing on top of that is a bonus. It of course is the goal, but I honestly haven' had much hope I would change significantly.
Afterall, I have no real energy or understanding of how to change. I am slowly starting to practice meditaiton and contemplation activities which still feel strange and awkward. I sense relief and peace in the moment when I'm not distracted by every little thing as is my want.
Still, it doesn't hardly seem enough to truly change my overall anxiety levels, how i view life, how I view people, how I view myself.
But it turns out, it is.
We went out for dinner tonight with some close friends. A result of childhood abuse is an inability to trust people and a struggle with relationships. I've realized I am always trying to prove my value even to our close friends. I assume they are always evaluating me, and I need to make sure I'm still worth being friends with. That's sort of sad.
It makes me more anxious overall and definitely not relaxed. This evening though I felt strangely relaxed and as a result, didn't talk as much. I felt much more comfortable asking them questions and just in general, being relaxed about the conversation flow. I wasn't even quite sure what was happening but it sure felt good.
Overall, I feel less need to be monitoring activities of people around me. I'm not overthinking the future and trying to focus on the present. I used to try and plan out my entire day. I felt anxiety if I didn't know what was coming as the day unfolded. Something about the uncertainty and somehow tied into not feeling wanted. If I have an empty evening, why hasn't someone contacted me to do something? Wonderful thoughts like that.
To not have these things absorbing my thoughts is like getting a life back. To not have these thoughts is a different life entirely. I can think about life, not anxiety, not what if's. I understand now why I have felt so hopeless about my future; it's not really living to worry all the time, to constantly monitor yours and everyone else's possible and current activities. You're in a vortex of baseless fears that feel incredibly real and needed to be managed. It's like death.
I've had a few things pop up this summer that I did at roughly the same time as last year. The comparison is stark, sobering and hopeful on this side of things. Less activation, more peace, more awareness of what's actually happening around me, more enjoyment of the wonderful, imperfect people in my life, more art.
So yeah. To have these types of activities be shifting is everything right now. In fact, sometimes I feel sort of stoned, just walking around with a sense of wonderment. I'm not even wondering yet when I might have energy to actually do something; I'm just enjoying the change and the adjustments.
Just enjoying a new reality.