I’m exhausted this morning. Jay and I had a fight last night before going to bed.
We’re both overwhelmed and stressed by the move. My PTSD got triggered badly this week, and I feel physically and emotionally unstable and sick. My pelvic pain today and yesterday were okay thank God. I slept okay but in a separate room.
I wonder what today will bring.
I am having trouble w/ reflux again. I wonder if it’s stress. It means no alcohol, coffee, tea. I guess I’ve been living on stimulants and relaxants or at least the small rest they each bring. I’ve never been able to do much of either, but it’s felt like a small gift to myself when I’ve needed it.
I’m sure Jay isn’t doing well today. He said more things last night that triggered me, and I acted like a triggered person. I told him I didn’t think we should talk when it was so late, and he said he was exhausted and so was I. I shouldn’t have taken the bait.
This morning, I plan to walk, review my notes from my session and I guess just stumble along w/ the dozens of things on my to-do list. I don’t know if garbage got taken out yesterday at the space. I’ve been doing that for over a week now. We did talk about it with the landlord. I’m disappointed this is happening while we’re already moved in. It’s definitely a cause of my stress.
Jay is stressed all the time, it seems. It’s been that way the whole time we’ve been in business, over 20 years. I don’t know if it will ever change.
Things have been improving between us, but there is still alot of trash in there. I don’t know how it will all play out, whether we’ll ever have rest and whether I can pull of something separate from the company.
The PTSD has effectively ruined my life and ability to have a sustained focus and career, healthier relationships. It’s taken decades away from me, to this day. Today I should be out running, working on my blog or a class or whatever I’d be doing. Instead I’ll be reviewing my therapy notes, trying to stay stable, repairing relationship with Jay, disconnecting from my body and mind I guess, just stumbling along. It’s finally clear to me what I’ve been doing all these years to survive. That’s about all it’s been, especially the last eight years since the kids started moving onto college and life.
I want to believe it can be redeemed, has been redeemed. Days and weeks like today feel awful and hopeless, just hopeless. I’ve had some really good weeks and even months where I’ve been making progress. I guess this is an awful season of just trying not to lose anymore ground.
*****
One thing I’ve pondered in all this… I do get to experience a high level of the rupture/repair pattern in a relationship.