Another conflict with Jay.
I came here not sure how this trip was going to go. Jay and I have had too much work time together lately. More, I’m not getting much time for anything else in, so I’m depleted and feeling my creativity stalled out.
This morning, I came up from the basement and said something. Jay snapped at me, was sarcastic and mean. Ellie was like, that was really rude, Dad. They finished what they were discussing and then he was like, now what do you want to show us. And I’m sorry. i was like, no, we are going to talk about this.
We went downstairs and I started crying. I had just spent all this time meditating again and got my pain more under control and was feeling very peaceful and went upstairs then you bit my head off.
He said he was triggered, that he feels I do that sometimes, I just barge into a conversation and make it about me. I said I’d listen but not now.
We ended up resolving things, but that was a big thing today. I realized I have much to learn and change still. I am just getting better. I don’t even quite know how to relate to Jay.
I do know I’m tired of living defended. If I’ve hurt Jay, then I need to apologize and get on with being better.
I listened to the same HS meditations as yesterday and added one more. This idea of being more aware of what I’m thinking and feeling each moment is really mind-blowing. I’ve just been completely unaware of how I’m feeling most of the time.
I realized today in cooking and then getting ready to leave, I was really getting anxious and ramped up. This is when we had so much tension at the holidays. I was blind with all these emotions, much of it related to expectations that came from somewhere, mostly ‘this is how I’ve always done things.’ I tried to do some noting while driving to our new in-laws for KT for Thanksgiving dinner.
My pain stayed low all day. I’d done frog legs while meditating this morning. I think that helped. I also kept my anxiety down all day at the Bee’s.
I thought while we were there that I’m ready to work on stuff. I have been abusive to Jay as he has been to me. It’s been a two-way street. I’m ready for that to change.
As far as the dinner, we had fun all making food in their cool kitchen. I made pies, dressing and a salad. Jay made breakfast, helped w/ the apples. El made aspic.
TG with new family members was cool. I am glad we are here and not at home this year. We needed to be w/ the kids. KT’s new in-laws are interesting and easy to be around.
Tomorrow we’re going to see Fantastic Beasts and maybe have breakfast w/ Jay’s bio dad. I’d like to do some shopping and writing. We’ve decided to stay until Sunday. Jay is relaxing.
Tonight I watched a video of a black family doing TG. Looked like what we did today but with more laughing, music and dancing. I often wonder what other families do and often feel our holidays are pretty tame and quiet. I just keep wanting to learn and not ever accept anything at face value. Gotta lot to learn.