What a month.
I’ve had six-weeks of unexpected pelvic pain.
This has resulted in new doctor visits, a colonoscopy, and restarting my pelvic floor PT.
I finally went to see Danielle after a month of pain. She sent me to a colon person. She said to get a colonoscopy and thanked me for my input on providers in the area.
I still haven’t fully recovered from the car accident but am close on that one. It feels like I’m back to seeing a provider of some kind almost daily.
I came back from Seattle with a virus and also had too much coffee, soda and alcohol in Seattle. All Sunday night and early Monday morning, I was having horrible pain throughout my body and very scared about what was happening. It turned out to be my same old issue that can flare up, just worse than it’s ever been. My stomach triggers heart stuff and acid reflux and also dehydration and all the chills and pain. Also had a stomach thing.
In seeing the doctor yesterday after all this, the anxiety again showed up. I talked at length yesterday with the doctor about that.
She said they’ve found to manage mental health issues best, it’s a combination of therapy, meds and behavioral activities that are best for that person. If they’re too isolated, they have to get out and vica versa.
She also said that there is an anxiety and pain connection that happens and is real. I have real symptoms, they aren’t just in my head.
However she also called the bowels the mini-brain. What happens in the brain is often reflected in the gut. So my anxiety in my mind is affecting my pain and overall health.
I saw a short video clip today by Sam Lamott. He was asked to speak at a high school about his past drug use.
I’ve had this idea come up in other places and ways, but I need to treat anxiety like a drug. I am choosing often to have the most negative view possible. I don’t allow anything else to come in. I drift to negativity.
I am ready to get back out into the world, either classes or another job or something. I am still doing some work for the company and that seems important. But I’m ready and I need to take some additional steps. It is going to help my state of mind. I worry a lot. I worry too much and it’s affecting my health.
So yeah, just say no to anxiety.
When I feel anxious, I need to change what I’m thinking about. I need to work hard to continue this process of retraining my mind like it talks about in Romans. Think on these things, the good things.
I have some things that are against me that I have to overcome. I need to acknowledge the hardness of that, be kind to myself. However, there are things I’m choosing and I need to start saying no to those.
So it’s both of these.
Being really kind to myself, loving, tender.
And being ruthless going forward about anxiety.
This is good.
This feels like a significant breakthrough.
So all of yesterday, I just focused on good things. When I felt myself drifting to negative, I instead looked around and asked myself, “What’s good about what I see right here?” It turns out, there’s a lot of good in my life I’ve been ignoring.
Yeah, the past two years have really sucked and the three or four years before that were pretty brutal. I’m also making changes and things are getting better. I think that’s sort of how life is or can be.
I’m tired of always being down and having things to be perfect to be happy. There is more good in my life than not. It’s just a fact. I’ve accomplished amazing things and should be able to enjoy that and not feel bad all the time.
I’m realizing this is going to be a choice.
So October 8th was my first day of anxiety sobriety.
It feels weird and good.
I have a lot to learn.
*****
I also realized I still had a little bump of happiness coming off the weekend. Good times w/ the kids and just all around, positive energy, good conversations and fun activities. I also love staying at Residence Inn’s with the suite layout. I enjoyed having down time there w/ Jay and his mom.
Yeah, so my doc is right: I need more connection with people. I’m considering some volunteer opportunities until some other things come together. I also continue to read about how isolation is really at the root of a lot of depression people are experiencing. We all need more community.