I am finding myself, and I love it.
Today, I realized I needed to do a chore and get out of the house so I did. After that, I walked over to a local bakery/cafe with a book I’d bought when I was with KT. I read about the earth’s various layers while sipping my decaf and eating a shortbread cookie. I felt super happy.
I met up w/ Jay for dinner and then we went to the market and bought some chocolates. I watched Chocolat last night and was inspired to do something different like that. It reminded me of why I don’t eat a lot of truffles and such #sugar
At home, we did some more searching online for his bio Mom and info on that family. We rolled around some and just in general, enjoyed being together. Nothing fancy.
I’m letting my Mom go, my kids go and finding myself. In some ways, it’s going back to some of what I liked about myself before and a lot is just discovery of being 52 and learning about what all that means, especially having adult kids and aging parents.
I’m glad to be creating new communities of people and cherishing established friendships. I’m glad to be rekindling my spirituality and contemplating new opportunities. I’m glad to just be living life.
My eyes feel wide open, and I like what I see.
*****
On Sunday, had breakfast and walked with some friends. Texted people on Saturday and we made it happen. Fun breakfast to just catch up and then went on a walk.
Worked the rest of the day on bills and more packing at the old office.
I’ve realized I haven’t trusted my own instincts to have things I work on actually materialize because things never changed when I was a kid. I’d pray, work hard, did all the right things, but nothing in my own life got better. It got worse, actually.
It became engrained in my mind that no matter what you do or how hard you work or pray or how angry you are, your feelings don’t matter. You are powerless to change anything. You have to stay around unhealthy people, be unsafe and oh, help them.
HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT.
That’s insanely fucked up.
That will fuck up any age of person, and it routinely does.
Why is it so hard for domestic violence victims to leave their abusers? They assume this is what they deserve, and it won’t be any better anywhere else, with anyone else.
So yeah, even though I’m a talented person, I’ve always questioned myself and my abilities.
NO MORE.
AlAnon was good tonight. Lots of discussion again around what are and are not my responsibilities. Right now, the big thing I’m processing is my Mom. I can do healthy helping that is assistive due to her actual limitations due to dementia, but I can’t make her happy. I am able to help reduce her stress some, quite a bit actually, but that’s not the same as happy.
Finally, I had incredible energy and happiness this weekend.
After the last two months of new pelvic pain to be relieved, as well as some hearty walking, I was able to dive in and do a lot of work regarding the office move as well as our house bills and chores. It felt really good and was almost hard to shut it off. It’s been a long, long, LONG time since I’ve been able to work for a long time over several days.
It reminds me of the Aesop’s Fable about the boy who wanted meat every day and not just once a week. Sometimes you forget how wonderful it is to work hard and feel good about that, then rest. It’s definitely something to think about.
Spokane River, Spokane, WA