I had my meeting with my parents today.
We reviewed all of their spending and expenses related to charity.
We talked about what would be a reasonable amount for them to donate on a fixed income. We talked about what they’re currently giving.
I realized I need to take these things one at a time. There are several big items to resolve to get their finances more in order and more accessible. I am deciding to focus on one thing per week in terms of what I work on with them. I’m hoping to meet with them weekly until we get things finalized.
We need to liquidate two of their assets and get them in CD’s or money market funds. They need to stop donating money, especially to fraudulent organizations. They need to stop drawing out so much cash. They need to let me have mail forwarded to my house and then redirected to a new PO box. They need to supplement their health plan so there aren’t any gaps if they have a health event. Those are the biggies.
The meeting went well. I walked through the list of charities they’d donated to and the amounts over the past three months. They were pretty shocked which they should be. We talked about how to donate correctly (select one or two and send a set amount each month only to those). We talked about maintaining their financial integrity by not donating or giving out info over the phone or by mail. We talked about next steps.
I wasn’t dreading the meeting like I did the one in August. I feel like I’m over some kind of hump or something. The meditation work the last few weeks and the lasting physical changes due to therapy are starting to add up and pay off. I feel pretty calm most of the time anymore. I used to be hysterical, basically, much of the time and when I wasn’t hysterical, hypervigilance was my only real emotion starting in 2015. I just stopped caring and felt no matter what I did, I was exposed and had to pick up everyone’s messes.
I left their house feeling like I was really helping someone.
They were very appreciative and even my step-sister thanked me later.
You don’t win awards for helping your elderly parents. It’s not sexy. Sometimes it’s not rewarding at all, just a lot of work that sometimes is undone on the back-end.
But it’s the right thing to do. And that’s what matters.
I am grateful I’m not currently having to fight them on these things like it has been in the past. I was talking with my friend later about how when they are more independent and think they’re invulnerable, maybe noncompliant like mine have been, it’s very hard to have these conversations. You’re essentially arguing with two competent, independent adults and if they haven’t invited the conversation, it’s very hard to start it especially if there is any strain at all in the relationship.
You have to convince them of the need and often, they don’t see the need or believe you. They could be suspicous. You could be too busy. It’s messy.
Now that they’re more vulnerable, they are not fighting back and are just listening and appreciative. It’s a nice change. I wish we could have done all of this sooner, years ago, but that is like saying I wish I was a few inches taller; it just isn’t my reality.
I think that’s been one of the other big changes; I’m accepting my reality. Now that some things are definitely better in my life, I feel able to accept what is and not fight my reality so much. This makes me much less triggered by everything and also less sad and hopeless.
The change has come in the nick of time for me to be able to have to engage with my parents as much as I am.
Grateful. And tired.
PS Jay brought me home flowers and said I was a star :)