I hate having PTSD.
I hate it.
I hate how it sneaks up on you when you least expect. I hate how you have a day planned and it can all go to hell in a handbasket in about ten seconds.
I hate the physical sensations, the faint nausea, the racing thoughts, the anger, the inability to think. I hate losing myself when I have an attack. I hate not processing reality clearly. I hate feeling out-of-control but then grasping irrationally at anything for control. I hate how it affects my dreams and goals, my relationships, my body. I hate how it wastes time.
It doesn't even matter what the trigger was. I've only processed a few of the main events in my timeline. That leaves quite a lot of material out there for surprise moments of triggering. It leaves me feeling exhausted when they hit, when they're over. It makes me not want to do any more work at all. It makes everything feel hopeless.
Fortunately, today at least I went to the gym. I had a good workout then came home and did some productive things. I don't want to drink, I don't want to eat, I just want to be better, right now. I don't want to escape; I want to live my life one step and day at a time. I don't want to keep being interrupted.
I have some skills now to at least take care of myself. I have a list of things to do when I'm depressed or triggered; that helps. It makes me feel about five-years-old, but I guess if it works, it doesn't matter.
It's 3:30 in the afternoon, plenty of time left for some more weekend chores and some writing. I'm leaving on vacation tomorrow which always adds a little stress although not as much lately.
I remember writing a while ago about how I can just relax and not be stressed when I go somewhere. I've never gone on a trip and not had it go okay. I've even done drastic things like forgot my suitcase or all my toiletries. Things still went okay. So I'm not super stressed about the trip; I'm more just tired now from getting all flared up.
I hope someday I'll look back and read this and think that that was one of the last times I was triggered by my partner. I hope someday our business venture together doesn't set me off. It feels a little impossible, but then again, I'm planning a wedding with Kay and it's going well. That pain though was a different kind and breed.
Episodes like this make me feel like I have nothing to give. I guess it's my all or nothing thinking. I know when I try and just wish this away, it doesn't work. That's different than needing a break which I need right now. No, I guess just years of not facing things, I don't see that going well for people in general. It tends to morph and come back in ways you don't expect later down the road, like, a sad algebraic formula of life: X ignored Y years = Z unknowns, squared.
I need to get away and relax. I need to have some fun and do a little processing. Sometimes, I get so deep into this stuff, I need to just put it away and have fun. I have been in a car accident. I've been in intense, weekly therapy. My daughter got engaged. We hired a sales executive. We just had the holidays. I'm tired. I'm triggered. I'm done for a while. Kay talks about taking breaks from all of this, and she's right.
I'm healthy and not retreating, but I'm calling the game for a few weeks.