I'm always amused at what will trigger a moment of introspection. This time was a closet purge.
As I went through jewelry, I saw flashes of my old way of living. So much of my healing now is being in this strange, liminal space where I'm no longer operating fully as I used to - always confused, stressed, tired, triggered, angry, afraid, graspy, unsure - and not really transitioned fully into the opposite of those things - clear-headed, calm, energetic, relaxed, peaceful, confident, sure, strong.
I look through photo albums and see so many good times. I have worn cookbooks from happy meals with the family, tired luggage from trips, art and photos to hang. Much good existed and flourished in my dark days.
Yet, in my soul, I was often just gutting things out. I showed up for myself and others, but the struggle was real, as they say.
As I am in a calmer place, I can look at the daily activities of life I found so tiring - clothes, laundry, cooking, errands, etc. - and make much better decisions about what to do and not do. Going through my closet and planning a new capsule wardrobe just doesn't feel intimidating like it used to. I can't say how surprising that is.
Typically, I'd be triggered by the sorry state of my clothes. That would set me off and get me into an even more reactive state, creating a high likelihood that later that day I'd have conflict with someone, most likey the hubs, or just be generally grumpy for no reason I could really understand.
The depression and feelings of inferiority wouldn't be in proportion to what I had just wrapped up. Nonetheless, it would continue to build and just further reinforce in my mind how unbalanced I was to do anything basic like manage my wardrobe.
On the topic of clothes and "stuff", I'm seeing definite patterns of impulse shopping especially related to clothing. I just put about $200 worth of jewelry in a plastic bag to take to the thrift store or pawn shop. All of the main items were impulse purchases, and I remember them each.
Each time, I remember feeling activated and triggered by shopping. I often feel overstimulated and overwhelmed in stores. I get somewhat overloaded sensorily and feel inadequate about how whatever I have or own doesn't look as good as whatever store I'm in.
I'll spy something I might like or think will flesh out my wardrobe or house. I don't have a master plan governing what I'm looking for but am hopeful maybe this one thing will help me feel better at least about that small part of my life.
I don't know how I didn't ever see how futile this was.
These activities show up in our budget as well. This was money that should have been saved and had planning around. $10 here, $20 there, or $60 here or there, it all adds up fast.
It makes me sad when I think of how much money I've wasted chasing after something, anything, to make me feel better about my life. What could have really helped, I was incapable of. I possess good planning and budgeting skills, however, on a regular basis, I felt too restricted and triggered to do much more than react in almost every area of my life.
I'm glad to be firmly in a healing phase with quite a few more healthy behaviors and attitudes in place already. I'm deepy commited to this course of action and see, experience and feel the results on a daily basis.