"It seems that to many Christians it did not matter what Jesus really said or did. They just needed an imperial God-figure, and Jesus was used to fit the bill. It could just as well have been Howdy Doody." R. Rohr
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I've been on vacation effectively for the past nine days. I've been visiting three different locations and friends in California. Today proved to be yet another amazing day of travel and adventure, this time up in Ventura and the surrounding hills. We toured the hills around Ventura and Ojia including burned out homes and canyons, stopped in at the Patagonia HQ, ate some great food and took in the sun setting over the Channel Islands.
Tonight though, I'm feeling tired. I've felt anxious the past few days and think some of it is lack of sleep, some just not having any downtime to speak of. Very little time to write or be creative.
I've been praying for clarity regarding my needs for the future, and this in and of itself has been helpful. I sense I have a creativity deficit; I've spent too much time with people and not enough with my self, primarily being creative.
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This morning, I was determined to start the day differently and continue on with better eating, better spiritual practices. I spent time meditating, read the Rohr reading and just tried to begin the day centered on my body and self, on my life, and on the beauty of a life value system that makes sense and gives great value to myself and the world.
I love so very, very much that people are writing about the need to do and not just know or think about faith or spirituality. Rohr talks about how strange it is that this faith, with the potential for so much spiritual power and change, largely descended to arguing and promoting a god that conquers or is right. When I think of my own experiences as a kid, I can remember that feeling even, the feeling of anger and intensity, that we were doing it right. I never felt comfortable with that as I'd had encounters with something spiritual that seemed very oriented toward being a certain way, loving primarily.
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I'm realizing more and more how much energy I've expended being angry. This emotion has acted as the starting point for many of my thoughts, regardless of the topic. I see threats frequently when there simply isn't one and doesn't need to be. I realized today: Most situations don't require anger. They just don't. Even when things are challenging or even wrong, you still don't have to get angry.
This morning I wrote: Most things are not worth being angry about. Being angry is usually a waste of time. Why not try on beauty instead of anger, in the moment? Jam your senses into beauty when you feel the rage coming. Stare it in the face. Let your senses encounter it. Then check back with anger and give it the finger. Do some tapping. Move forward even if all you feel is a void. It will eventually be filled by new thoughts, emotions and ways of being. Anger and reactivity, these are not good ways to live.
Yesterday, I seemed to fill more of a void and I think it was lack of sleep and some of this anxiety. I'm anxious about KT, about our hosts, about too much people time, about not enough sex. Today I just decided to try and let it all go, focus more on being loving and intent on people and myself, look at the beauty and give the finger to anger.
Our discussion last night with our friends who are older was helpful and relieved some of my anxiety. Don't be controlling, be supportive. They will have to figure things out. I also caught a glimpse of some ways they don't have a perfect family with their adult children and I found that relieving in some ways. We're doing okay.
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I bought a giant, basketweave bag at a thrift store that will be awesome for the beach but a bear to get home. We'll see how that goes. I love thrifting though and it seemed completely ungenuine to not get into a thrift store at least once while down here.
I will miss this place as soon as I'm gone but our life isn't here, at least not yet. I hope some day I can live closer to the ocean and in a little warmer climate. I don't know if or when that'll happen. For now, I'll continue to count these special people and places as a great grace we've been given.