This therapy is kicking my ass.
Meditation is kicking my ass.
I am slowly responding differently to normal triggers but the word adrift has never felt more appropriate.
Think of any analogy about doing something one way and then bam, all of the sudden you have to do that thing a new way. You don't know what the new way will be. You have an inkling and some general guidelines, but that's it.
Yeah, think of anything like that. Have it?
Then put that hot mess in your head.
There are times, moments, when I feel the strength of non-reactivity. I realize this could be a new way to live, a different response to the basic stimuli of life.
The next thought, close afterwards, is usually something existential about who the hell am I then and what have I been doing with my life all these years? There is also an airiness and emptiness that is present. I literally don't know what's happening in my brain at times, so I have to just observe the changes, like from outside myself, and not panic.
Lack of reactivity doesn't necessarily mean peace and joy. It means I have to develop new skills to manage my anger, frustration, disappointments, pain, happiness, etc. That's where I'm at now.
It feels like being at the bottom of a U-bend. I imagine myself there as some kind of bendy-body cartoon character, just sort of smashed down there, not particularly sad, not happy. Droopy, apathetic eyes. That's what keeps coming to mind. Just hanging out at the bottom of the pipes, still figuring out how to go up, happy to not be sliding down.
I've had two people mention to me this week that I'm in a dark night of the soul. I'm actually glad I have people around me that know what that means and don't use it flippantly. And they're right.
I keep thinking the worst is over, and in the sense that I'm able to function better physically, then yes, the worst is over. I think I envisioned recovering from adrenal fatigue and severe depression as bouncing back to something healthy without much effort. That I don't have anything 100% healthy to bounce back to never really crossed my mind.
When I ponder what I'm trying to do, I realize I am not being honest enough with the people closest to me. I don't want to burden anyone or freak anyone out. Just a little more consistent support outside of therapy and my hubs would probably help alot, and make this journey feel less endless (which it does right now) and not so freakish (which it also does).
I'm committed to if anything, getting through this a little more healthfully and with less isolation. This could take some effort to create, but I'm thinking it'll be worth it.