I have focused primarily on healing my way of thinking and feeling, reacting and responding, living.
My physical health plays a significant role in who I am today, what I'm becoming.
I started having severe period cramps when I was in high school. I ended up in the ER several times and started having to take codeine to get things to calm down. It was awful and nothing helped except pain meds.
Fast forward to today. I've had four laparoscopies, one which included a hysterectomy. It turned out I had severe endometriosis that was discovered shortly after my wedding. Due to the severity of the disease, the doctors recommended we try to get pregnant as soon as we could. Two months later I was pregnant and two months before our second wedding anniversary, El was born. That was in 1991.
Since that day, I've had on and off again chronic pain on a regular basis. I figure at least half of the days since I was in high school, I've had some form of pain to manage.
My Dad was chronically ill, mentally and physically, so a model was set for me of consistent sickness as being normal. With genuine illness often at my heels, it's been hard to find the strength to do more than survive in the midst of pain.
Today, post-uterus, my issues circle around scar tissue that has caused issues with my hips and pelvis as well as acid reflux probably from all the pain meds I've swallowed.
When I look at that all now, I try and have a different perspective. I believe I have used regular doctor visits to find some kind of care or support in the midst of all the mental and physical pain. The psych test I took last summer indicated I had a mild tendency in that direction.
These days, I'm more prone to get help for immediate needs but probe more deeply on how to help myself. I feel for the first time, I'm motivated to do daily work that will provide a foundation for long-term health. My body isn't weak but it isn't strong. I have almost been afraid to pursue a life of strength, because of the disruptions that so frequently come. Why pursue something that will most likely get interrupted?
I am making the needed mental adjustments that my almost 100% task-focused life is over. If I want to stop going to the doctor, I need to start doing my own daily routines that will take up considerable time, time I used to spend on whatever seemed most urgent: gifts buying or making, house projects, chores, surfing the web, writing letters, organizing, reading, going to meetings, etc. Those are all things I enjoy; I just won't be able to do them as much anymore.
I'd like to get through a week without seeing a doctor.
I'd like to get through a month without seeing a doctor.
I'd like to get through a year without seeing a doctor.
To do that, I'm going to need to start giving myself the care I've needed all along. It will take discipline and willingness to live a more disciplined life.