"It would be hard to describe..." sounds like an invitation to a writer to do better.
I was going to begin by saying, "It would be hard to describe how challenging my life is right now..." but realized how lame that sounds.
By all accounts, I'm in the middle of a major life transition. Because our culture doesn't discuss, celebrate or acknowledge these things, I am left figuring it out for myself. Being I'm depressed and nervous, I assume its something wrong with me until proven otherwise. Because somewhere along the way, we stopped discussing basic human patterns and rhythms, most people scrambling to make sense of their lives, their entire life. (How fewer visits to therapists would we have if the basics were covered and acknowledged by our society?)
It turns about, having two children leave for college and then find full-time jobs in another city, working with your spouse, aging parents and menopause are all reasons to pause, in the most negative sense. Pause to reflect, pause to be angry, pause to wonder, pause to plan, pause to reflect.
I've tried therapy. I've tried self-therapy. I'm in a support group. Something much larger overshadows all of these attempts at breaking out a piece that seems broken, fixing and analyzing it, then shoving it back into the botched system.
I have heard people talk about spiritual direction for years. I've met with people to ask them about it. What is spiritual direction? The answers are vague enough to leave me intrigued but not convinced this is a good approach as a next step.
However, that changed last month when I met with someone from group. He talked about seeing a spiritual director and the way he discussed it, it moved from an interesting idea to something I need to pursue as a next step.
Maybe this will be the change I need.
I'm growing desperate.
What am I looking for? A better way to process life. A healthier spirituality. A calmer, less-confused mind. A sense of purpose and direction, post-kids. A way to know how to make better decisions about the second half of life.
I feel a sense of panic to some degree. The longer I wait, the more time slips by.
It's go-time.