"The best laid plans..." and all of that.
It is humbling to face the faults you've been hiding or have been hidden for years and year.
A life of fear bred from a life of trauma hides much. I'm coming to realize the breaks I have given myself, the excuses here and there, the less than the best choices, just to give myself a break. I have never known fully the toll it has taken to be managing stress, anxiety and fear 24x7 for decades. As it dissipates, I understand half the battle will be rebuilding a life that has healthier behaviors and patterns. Or patterns and behaviors where none existed.
I continue to wrestle with recurring injuries from the ages of endometriosis scars and a twisted pelvis. Today they all flared up at the same time, making a pledge of less fear seem impossible. I am weary of the doctor and provider visits, weary of the pain, of the wondering of what to do next. Weary of thinking and guarding.
What role does "no fear" play when there are genuine issues, genuine concerns? In counseling today, we talked about how fear has had ample time to build neural pathways for almost all situations. It will take time to rebuild better pathways of health, happiness, ease.
It also requires me to look at how I've treated people, especially Jay. I have taken advantage at times when I just felt I could do little else than survive. He has suffered, we've both suffered.
In the end, an hour at the gym helped take my mind off of all the pain I was experiencing and consider the idea of being truly strong again, or maybe, for the first time in a very, very long time. My accident is spurring me on to get stronger and healthier. I am working into my life and just accepting the reality that it is, grateful I can go.
And while I never felt "good" today, I refused to give into fear in my mind. Instead, I thought about the dozens of things I am grateful for, that I now take for granted. It is an easy list to start. I am injured but getting care. I see doctors and can pay for it. I have a job so I have medical care. I have people that love me. I do not live in a land with war surrounding me. This wasn't a feel-good exercise; it felt like survival and recovery of something I lost along time ago, the ease of moving to gratitude when things are hard.
I think fear won much of the day today but I recovered some ground in the end. I won't give up and I'm just getting started.