I wish the path to health was linear.
I wish once you had a clearer vision of what you wanted to change, the change would unfold before you in easy, sequential steps.
My mind continues to be a great enemy and a great ally. I figure if my mind at least is my ally, some of the other things will have to come in time. My mental and spiritual space remains my $1 priority.
Fear seems to be slipping away. I can sense some kind of shedding. While the return from despair felt like a thaw, this feels like an emergence.
I realized today something that maybe a One needs to grasp at some point for the sake of sanity: there has always been pain and there has always been good. That is the case today. It was the case yesterday. It will be the case tomorrow.
This from Rohr today: "The purifying goal of mysticism and contemplative prayer is nothing less than divine union—union with what is, with the moment, with yourself, with the divine, which means with everything. The goal must be kept simple and clear—love of God and neighbor, union with God and neighbor. Our common word for this state of union is heaven. Wherever there is union, there is a little bit of heaven."
And then of course, a little JRR Tolkien: "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.'" - Gandalf.
I cannot save the world. I have at times even been unable to save myself. But I can grow and change. I can love. I can care for people. I can seek union with God and myself that allows me greater clarity about what I can save and do and enjoy. That is enough.
And that is new for me, to believe that all cannot be attained and all cannot be done or saved. I have pushed myself beyond what is reasonable, with fear, with drive, with vigilance. I can use my renewed energies once again, but how much more enjoyable for me and most likely, a truly greater outcome, if I am living from a place of peace, of union, and yes, peace again. Peace with myself, mostly, which will bring more peace with others.
I am beginning to have feelings again. I can sense my wit returning, some sass, some energy. I am having a very non-linear return to a more emotional life. Things that would seem to generate significant emotions leave me a bit confused or flat, but even that is improving.
We have spent significant resources over the past two months trying to hire a sales person. We think we haven finally found someone but they have gone dark today. Everyone is worried; these aren't good signs.
I found panic rising from my stomach, squeezing my heart and finally into my throat. It was instantaneous. Then I remembered being at dinner tonight with John. We grabbed a quick meal at the grocery deli and just exchanged a few comments and stories about the day. We were together about a half an hour. I drove away and really got it. I was sitting across from a real human that I'm connected to, someone that's my story keeper, and we'll be married forever. I'll always have a partner until we pass on. It made me feel rich.
Money is flowing out of our accounts to pay for the garage, my medical expenses, and other one-time expenses. I am frustrated by timelines for things we should have been paid back for. We have a salesperson that may or may not come onboard.
I just decided today, to not be afraid. I don't know how I'll do tomorrow, but today, I just decided to release it. This is not my normal program. I problem-solve, I panic, I get anxious, I over-ask questions (you know what I speak of... you project your anxiety and keep talking by asking questions... "Well, why didn't they call back? Are they going to call back? When will we know more?) It's observational worry.
I don't know. And the truth is, I've never known. But I've been enjoying the illusion of control, and it's affecting my health and relationships, my success, my ability to feel good about life in a meaningful way.
It turns out, so many of my issues have been related to fear and stress. My acupuncture wizard said today your diaphram contracts when we're stressed and anxious. It then puts pressure on our stomach and espophagus, even when we dont' feel it. So many people with acid reflux, that could be contributing. That, and no healthy bacteria. But I digress.
I believe one reason I feel more comfortable to release my fear: I have boundaries. I have an identity. I feel loved. I feel safe(r). I have held onto fear out of desperation. I am ready to turn it in for a new set of beliefs, healthy beliefs I know are tucked away, unused. I am doing some dusting.
I don't know what my future holds. It's possible we'll have more years of smaller incomes and will have to continue to scrape to get by. I don't know. But I know that today I feel rich. And that feeling of contentment warms my soul this evening; that is all I want to remember about today.