Another round of going through old things, stored and organized.
I'm reminded of a Minimalist post recently that calls out hoarders who just organize things well, but still have all the stuff.
I am still working on what to save and what to keep, of my older things and things I inherited.
I use many things to help me understand my life: books, nature, movies, other people, art, my own thoughts, events. Sometimes, objects from the past help me in the present.
My maternal grandmother collected dolls. She simply loved dolls. I kindof liked dolls but she really loved dolls. She probably had well over two hundred when she died of all shapes and sizes, and I took a few when she passed away. I've yet to know what to do with them.
A few I uncovered today gave me some clues into our family and into myself. This one doll, in particular, had a homemade cape on. It's about six inches high, has a long dress on and then this felt cape with some white fur around the edges.
The more I've learned about my grandmother's life, the more I realize how deeply sad she was most of the time. She was quite brilliant, graduating valedictorian of her class. For this particular high school, the valedictorian earned a college scholarship.
She moved to her graduating high school as a junior and when she won the highest honor, they changed the rules, requiring students to have attended the high school for four years. She lost the scholarship.
She worked other side jobs still to save enough to go to college, but ended up having to give her money to her parents who were about ready to lose their farm.
She ultimately learned to be a hairdresser, married my grandfather and moved to Oregon to start a mattress company as that was his trade. She didn't want to leave Central Washington and her large family of siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles but right before their wedding, my grandfather got a DUI and had his license in Washington taken away. That meant they had to move to Oregon so he could get another license as he had to drive to deliver mattresses.
I am amazed at the obstacles that were in my grandmother's pathway. She never was able to go to college. I know she loved my grandfather and her three children, one of whom was my mother, but I know she also felt trapped and frustrated her entire life. Her story has haunted me, and I can see the ghosts of their unhappiness woven into my childhood and adulthood as well.
So when I look at these dolls, I see my grandmother trying to capture some sense of innocence, of playfulness, of beauty, of calling back to a time of freedom and few responsibilities. It reminds me of how dramatically better my own life is, much of it due to the people before me who made serious efforts to move our family forward.
I know my grandparents and parents made personal sacrifices so we could go to college, to have a more peaceful life with stability and opportunity. I wish I could have given back more to her, especially as I realize more now as an adult all that she gave to me.
She was not an easy person to be related to at times. Relations with her daughters was often strained or non-existent. She retired back to her hometown after my grandfather died and spent her time growing fruit and visiting with relatives.
In my understanding of what to keep and what to give away, something that evokes this much memory and history seems worth saving. I need real touchstones around me to remind me of my roots, of what I have and what I can still do.
Much is either being given or thrown away. Not this doll however. I'm not saving it for grandma; I'm saving it for myself. I'm keeping a memory stored in an object, and I'm grateful to still have it.