"When somebody loved me
Everything was beautiful
Every hour spent together
Lives within my heart
When she loved me"
We spent the weekend in Seattle with the Beauties.
We went to a wonderful wedding and hung out, ate, walked and I cried.
Sometimes when we're together, the beauty of our connections reminds me of the lack I have of that here in town. I feel the gap in my life, but also, I just miss them. We built a tribe together and it's like we're too far apart to feel that closeness frequently.
I often drift down to the water in evenings to watch the sunset and did that Saturday evening. I put on a song by Sarah McLachlan and just cried. I felt it coming, felt the sadness and just cried and cried.
The song, When She Loved Me, talks about the grief of being left. I haven't known how to process our daughters leaving home. It happens in stages often and there are small griefs, like empty bedrooms and such, but then there is a deeper grieving of the overall change that I have never been able to move into. The pain has overwhelmed me.
Returning home in the evening and the rest of the weekend, something had shifted inside. The sadness felt manageable, I felt less clinging, less down. I often feel anxious when we're together, trying to squeeze in every moment which when that kind of energy is broadcast, it sort of ruins everything (which I know and that creates more anxiety). All of that dissipated.
I guess there is something to grieving. Trauma freezes everything so everything is traumatic, even things that really are just sad or need to be grieved.
Trauma is different than pain. I'm learning how to feel pain, to let it come, to grieve, maybe see if I need to do anything about it, and move on. Pain isn't the end of the story, it isn't permanent, and it's part of being alive.
Which I am.
Alive.
I'm alive.
(The song is sung by Sarah McLachlan, written by Randy Newman and is on the Toy Story 2 soundtrack. Warning: it is impossible to listen to this song and not cry.)