This has turned out to be a week with rough edges.
I've been sick which hasn't been the end of the world and even generated interesting thoughts and moments. What I didn't realize is it left me weak and not 100%. I slid into a day of depression and a mind-fuck that was so bad, the fallout took over my session this week.
Queen Kay treats me pretty well and only slaps me upside the head once in a while, and only really when I am trying to be the boss of my progress. This episode so rattled me that I came in pleading with her to help me be in control so this won't ever happen again. I laid out some helpful suggestions on how we might partner together on my new plan in which she used possibly the most diplomatic language ever to tell me to get my hands off the wheels of my recovery that possibly we were both involved in and I most definitely wasn't the expert.
She actually gets paid quite well but seriously, I am not sure its enough. What a little fuck I was. But I was desperate and so then my brain conspires against the rest of me that is trying to be more contemplative and patient. It grabs the wheel and everything else insight, convinced we're going down.
We had to let go any work on the timeline this week. I have so many questions and don't fully understand at times what to do when depression hits. It used to be my normal state of being. I panic now when I sense it coming. We talked mostly about the Window of Tolerance. She said you really need to know in advance activities you'll do regardless when you're above or below the window. These are things that will pull you back into the window, maybe not immediately, but eventually. You don't question; you just do them. This was a good refresher.
As we're wrapping up, she asked, "Have I talked with you about the 'If I wasn't afraid...' question? I said no.
She said, "Well it works like this. You need to set the timer for three minutes and then you start with this phrase, 'If I wasn't afraid, I would ...' Then you start filling in the blank. When you say one, then you start on another. You do that for three solid minutes. You'd be surprised at how long three minutes is.'"
She gave some examples of the most recent time she'd done it. One of the things that popped out was she'd like a new wardrobe. How about that, she thought! It surprised her and that's the point; the exercise helps bypass your mind and get to your soul to see what's going on in there.
I thought about this a great deal on the way home. It made me happy, this exercise, the more I thought about it. In fact, I realized this could be a breakthrough for me.
I've felt like this quite a bit about therapy. There are standard processes to go through but you never know what will really be the thing or several things that make a shift. It is often different for everyone. This feels like a game-changer.
However, I haven't done it yet. I haven't even tried.
I realized I am so tense and repressed, that the idea alone of doing this feels threatening or just impossible. How's that for truly being screwed up? No wonder it feels impossible to do anything creative; I can't even say my dreams or thoughts out loud, let alone try and physically begin something different.
So its out there still. I can tell I'll start doing it soon. Maybe I'll wrap this up and give it my first shot.
If anything, it helps me see what I'm up against when it comes to the repression that was part of the package. She mentioned that as well this week, that the negative scripting I received was substantial. I am curious to see where this leads.