Kay and I have faced a unique challenge over the past year of working together: where do you begin?
My adrenal fatigue and depression had reached a breaking point last spring. I felt hopeless about life in general and had little belief things could improve. I registered few emotions. Nothing was pulling me out or up, not even time with my kids. I could only see present and future events in light of persistent failure.
We've taken it very slow.
I addressed this with her at one point, what do I focus on first? I don't even know where to begin. I am unpacking a laundry list of confusing topics that all have to do with me and in which there is significant overlap.
In retrospect, Kay has been triaging my most immediate needs and focusing on those first. We focused first on work-related issues, our current staff and my relationship with Jay at work. We decided it would be better to keep our company functional and allow me to try and navigate how to more healthfully be present at work than to pursue selling the company.
In reviewing notes, that absorbed significant time for several months. In fact, the first time we did EMDR was around an employee dispute regarding Jay and I was able to see clearly that there weren't any villains, most especially not Jay.
The long-term goal has always been to build my timeline and utilize that to do Lifespan Integration work. However, I've needed significant help to just get some baseline health patterns in place while I've been recovering.
Last summer, I spent most of the time napping and watching Harry Potter movies. I also would have small bursts of energy and became a major decluttering project that started in the basement then worked its way upstairs. I stayed involved somewhat at work for two afternoons a week but would occasionally not show up for those either.
I was confused about what to do. I took antidepressants from April through November of 2016 when I started having serotonin syndrome due to my body starting to produce its own serotonin again finally.
We focused on meditation and starting to practice being present in my own body. I have stayed in my left hemisphere and intellect largely because it is much safer. Small steps forward around breathing, meditation and contemplation laid the groundwork for more robust discussions as the years have gone on.
What I am faced with now is the list of issues that are still all overlapping, and at the core of them all is identity formation.
Why is identity at the core of it all?
The environment and issues around my childhood by definition strip you of normal developmental experiences. Normal development leads you to have a healthy view of yourself, within your body, in relation to others and the world, among other things.
Sexual abuse tells you that you are an object for the random pleasure of others. Lack of support in these situations confirms you are not worthy of being protected or empowered. Being raised by a mentally-ill parents forces you to be an adult/child, also stunting your development. Being part of a fundamentalist religious belief system teaches that your own body, thoughts, and feelings are largely bad and need to be managed with strict rules and guidelines. If you are a woman, you are doubly-bad. These were the childhood stressors.
The unique twist for my experience has been to also be married to someone with Aspergers and an attachment disorder. While an immensely loving and kind person, these conditions produce negative outcomes in an intimate partner relationship.
As I've met with Kay, I have at times felt overwhelmed by the weight of my timeline. She's had to reassure me more than once that health is happening, health is coming. She has agreed it has been hard at times to know where to start.
I have done considerable reading on my own. The timeline rebuilds your memories, reintegrates your past into your present in a healthy way. But I've wanted to understand more about why I am the way I am. What happens with identity and what even is identity? Why am I constantly confused? Why when I am triggered do I seek for clues from every possible source to calm me down, to find something to cling to, anything. Why do I have so little self-security after having a relatively successful life?
That's why it has to all start with identity and creating a foundation for myself. It is impossible to address other areas of health without that being solid.
So that's what we keep working on and I see small signs that things are changing.
I feel glimmers of interest and motivation to do and be part of things. I am recovering quicker when I'm triggered. I don't feel despair. I don't feel ashamed.
This is slow work. I've been seeing Kay for roughly eighteen-months now. I am just now in the last three months seeing these small changes (that really aren't small). I guess I need to rest here, take in the new view and appreciate all that is happening and changing. I need to practice more gratitude and keep my One-ness in check.
I am impatient for the work to be more complete, but I am grateful to be in a substantially different place than I was last fall.
On we go.