I’m changing up my routine based on what I’ve been reading and experiencing in therapy.
I’m starting off the day w/ an intention, affirmations and prioritizing as well as at least one thing I’m looking forward to.
I’m also using the prayer beads Jenn gave me when I go to bed and trying to just be appreciative and grateful for all that is going well and all I’m blessed with.
I’m also doing strength and stretch each morning and something else hopefully later in the day.
My pain is holding consistently at very low. Sometimes I forget it’s there. THAT IS A MIRACLE.
The reality of not being in constant pain or to have an acute attack come out of nowhere.
I don’t want to ever forget what it’s like to be laying in bed or on the couch, in pain and with no energy, another day gone.
Everyday I have right now is a day full of the ability to be joyful, spread joy, be filled w/ joy in the midst of really awful, terrible shit happening all around me.
Maybe I could make some art about that… before/after/during.
I love the polymer masks that I see every now and then.
Something about the last two days, I feel a change in my body that is significant. Things w/ Jay and I are flowing better. I am starting to relax more and we are trusting each other.
Identifying why I feel this helplessness and despair, that seems to have released something. It has been awful to have despair always lurking in my mind, creeping in to steal any moment of normalcy. It felt amazing to have Kay just say, you felt invisible. That made a lot of sense, and then the progress from feeling that way to trying to get attention by cleaning and being helpful.
I wonder if either of our kids felt that way ever. I hope not.
My dad was the center of our family w/ his moods and illnesses. I have been so sick that I know my mood affected everyone. Sickness does that. I hope I haven’t passed that a long, but I’m letting that go if I have. I’ve been open w/ the kids about my issues and they know we’re here to talk.
I just want to make a record of just a few days after feeling very timid and helpless to feeling more confident and assured.
*****
Jay and I talked about bio mom some this eve, and I didn’t feel I was attacking but I did talk too much. If I could change anything, I would have talked about 1/3 of what I did and asked him questions. At one point he said, he feels that what he is feeling and thinking is the least important of anyone. He said he feels caught between two people which is exactly what I didn’t want to have happen.
I really hope it just becomes someone Jay has a relationship with that is positive for him, but doesn’t impact our entire family. I haven’t been able to feel empathy for him much in all of this or empathy for bio mom. I’ve been too strung out by all the years of over-helping.
It feels good to say that for now, I can’t really have much of a relationship with her. Mainly, I don’t want tons of relationships with anyone new that is a family member. I’m super burned out on family and all the obligations that go along with it. You do something once for a family member and suddenly it’s the norm. She seems like an interesting and smart person. She is like John in some ways and some ways not. I know finding more biological people is good for him right now and articles I’ve read have indicated that.
I have to trust that process for him will be important and let it go. I feel like if I push too hard, it’ll create a wedge between us and just drive him away from me when this is something important to him.
I went so open to this situation without any filters. I probably shouldn’t have gone to Hawaii. The trip this summer with her here, it was all way, way too much too fast. If I’d had normal expectations and boundaries, I would have changed how all that unfolded. But I didn’t so it was really unpleasant.
I honestly don’t know how to have a normal relationship with someone like her. I mainly feel obligated about everything and am trying to shut that off. It will be interesting to see what that is like as I grow and become more mature.
Because she’s in a hard situation w/ her husband, I haven’t been able to talk w/ her about any of this esp. what happened this summer. I also think she made mistakes and if I had felt more safe, I could have said something in the moment and worked through it. As it was, I’ve been a mess for decades and feel I don’t have the right to say anything to anyone. So I just feel I’ve had to take stuff and be the one that absorbs pain.
It is what it is.
I feel I’m getting to a point where things are starting to normalize in my body and soul some. It’s going to take time. I feel it’s important that right now, I am mainly focused on healing myself, making new friends and not feeling the need to take care of or reach out to anyone. I’ve done so much of that, so much and too much.
I can see how bio mom could be really good for Jay and a small part of me is starting to feel good for him about that and not resent the situation. That is my primary goal, to feel good and happy for Jay and let it go at that.
I hope the girls are honest about their involvement, and I hope we don’t have conflict over that. I don’t sense they are interested and were somewhat freaked out. It’d be nice if this can be positive for Jay for now until or if ever things change. If Jay is happy and it’s helpful, I think I can get to the point of being really happy about that.
I am taking deep breaths of peace and calm, breathing in the belief that I can continue to change and improve and mainly to heal. The gift of therapy and time w/ Kathy has saved my life and my family. It’s given me a future where my mind is free for once.
I have a lot to give back once I heal. I hope my life energy can be for fun and myself but also to bring healing to others. Most people cannot afford the experience I’ve had. Maybe I will be able to help others pay for therapy or have a support group of some kind.
I feel grateful. I want to be more trusting of myself, of Jay and let people live their lives and know I’m safe regardless.