We’re back in our hometown.
We were delayed three hours at SeaTac, and I also booked the wrong flight departure city, something I’ve never done before. This discovery happened about fifteen minutes after I realized I’d left my cool Michael Kors raincoat somewhere in the last two days.
It was a chance to feel awful and ruin the rest of my day, dip down into awfulness and self-pity and shame.
But.
The new me realized that everyone makes mistakes, that I do pretty well for having ADD and to just let it go. So I did.
That’s new, that’s for sure.
So we spent about eight hours on and off in the airports and planes and waiting areas, etc. We still got home much faster than if we’d driven, walked, taken a handcart or been in a wagon train.
Perspective.
I was driving my nephew home tonight who watches our dog when we’re gone. I was feeling so energized from this trip, truly filled up and energized by so many things: connecting with Jay, energy of the ocean and sun, seeing people doing creative things, storytelling, time w/ kids, time w/ friends, art, hopefulness for the future, planning, organizing, writing, getting in the water, eating, on it goes.
I was feeling all that and feeling my brain really working well for the first time in a long time. I was thinking about the city and what is different than where I’ve been.
I realized that alot of the wealth in this town was created by old money based on extraction industries: lumber and mining. That really peaked decades ago. What has taken its place is largely healthcare and service-industry jobs as well as manufacturing.
There’s not a large creative presence in the city like I felt in LA. It’s a city whose infrastructure was platted and built up almost a hundred years ago.
It made me realize that the economy of a community really defines the energy of the community.
There is a larger arts presence building with smaller artisans able to make money now w/ outlets for sales. There are a couple good theater companies and we get Broadway shows into town. There’s a good museum.
But it really hit me that this town is sort of set. The people that will build out bigger houses and expand into the suburbs, it’s mostly medical and some tech money. It’s not directors and producers and others that are involved in story-telling or story production.
That makes a difference.
I don’t feel depressed coming home, but I feel the reality of that difference.
I find LA invigorating. I know people that hate it. I love the light, the energy, the opportunities, the stories, the craft, the people, the ocean. I like the people that have settled there that are my friends.
So yeah.
I woke up today knowing it was time to leave. I didn’t feel angry. I often leave CA feeling angry. I’ve felt angry for the lack of things changing IRL and for my relationship w/ Jay, my health issues, my seeming lack of ability to move ahead, make money, have the life I wanted even though I didn’t know where that was.
Anger has blinded me to my own wants and dreams. It’s just made my brain shut down and be uncreative. It’s locked me into believing that things really were bad and more importantly, unfixable. My anger has contributed to cementing the reality I thought was already present.
I’m home and I don’t feel angry or numb. I’m not excited to be here perse but I don’t feel angry. I’m okay w/ it and feeling insanely motivated to move ahead w/ the dozens and dozens of ideas I have.
Thank you CA for the warm welcome, especially from my friends. I’m sure I’d feel very different if I didn’t know anyone down there, very different.