In headaches and in worry/Vaguely life leaks away. - WH Auden
These are the sorts of scraps of paper that I was tearing out of magazines for years. This one I just ran across in more of the ephemera of my life from the last almost decade.
It reminds me somewhat of my dad’s ramblings which is never a good sign.
It reminds me of the chaos of a mind, the confusion, the scraps of paper here and there with notes on the sides of every or things torn out here and there. Both of my parents did it.
I’m assuming both of my parents came into their marriage traumatized and then they further traumatized each other and their kids.
Last night, my aunt actually said she was amazed at what her parents accomplished given their upbringing. Out of all the cousins and the kids of my aunt’s generation, there was only one other person to go to college. They had 35 first cousins. All three of my grandparent’s kids went to college, mom included, and my oldest aunt didn’t graduate.
They had a rough marriage and a rough household. They all seem to have different opinions of what happened, but all in moments of honesty, will confess it was everyone for themself.
So into that my brother and I were born.
I have a great deal of gratitude for properties like where my mom is staying. She is safe, well-fed, able to live a life that I think she’s happy with. She deserves that.
It’s a lot of generational trauma to overcome. It hasn’t been until I’ve seen exactly what was happening, address it, heal from it and move on, that I’m no longer doing the scrap-ripping, side-note taking that I saw so often.
I don’t rip things out like this anymore. I focus on quotes about the present, the future, hope, healing, knowing yourself, being kind to others to the best of your abilities and boundaries. I read about somatic healing, body awareness, grieving, strength, resilience. Those themes resonate because I believe I have a bright future and my depressed seasons for now are over.
I thank my former self for seeking for answers and trying to find things that resonated and made sense. My sad, depressed self admitted: This is how I feel. That was the first step. It was a hard step, being willing to acknowledge I was depressed and life felt meaningless. Those words are hard to utter in religious settings that are unforgiving of those where religion hasn’t solved all their problems.
That’s one reason I’ve had to leave those settings; they trigger me to this day. The idea of not just being together to share life, but being together to affirm that we’ve found the answer. We repeat the answers each week and subtly measure up all who come through the doors. Are you in need of help? We have the answers. The answers aren’t just our presence which is often what people need. The answers are a belief system that somehow when employed and adopted will make all the difference.
So the quote from Auden no longer resonates but the memory of that time is sharp still, fresh and crisp like a fall wind. I don’t want to forget so that others I might speak with never feel they need the answers.