We continued to talk more yesterday about our relationship, the situations that are being created due to bio family involvement.
I can tell Jay is genuinely concerned about me and loves me. I can tell this isn’t what he wants to have happen and that I’m his priority.
I can tell that I need to get my head out of this place and take care of him and us. The therapy in the next few months ahead I think will help w/ my lack of security and the resulting neediness and lack of trust in myself and people.
I don’t feel I have a voice to just say hey, this isn’t great for me. Can we try a different plan? I get angry and very scared and then lash out instead.
I didn’t lash out this time so that was good.
Yesterday he said he wants to have a relationship of abundance instead of scarcity. He said that due his shields from attachment stuff, he hasn’t been present for me for much of our marriage which I would say is true.
What have I also done?
I have been angry and attacked, trying to get attention and help. It didn’t work. I finally started voicing my overall unhappiness in 2014 and here we are today, in a better place but it’s been a very long haul.
Tonight at group, I asked the question, where have you seen love recently? One of the people in our group is a therapist and he thought a long time then said, “There is a couple I saw today, the last client actually, and they’ve both had a lot of trauma. They are trying to reach for each other and find themselves and each other in the midst of this trauma they’ve both experienced. That’s where I saw love today.”
I think that might be the most true and wonderful thing I’ve heard in a very, very long time. I feel so odd and broken so often and yet there are so many out there fighting the same battle for themselves and for their marriages. What a beautiful story and it reminded me of why I keep hosting dinners and generating conversation.
Maybe that’s one of my passions or missions? It’s not something I can currently make money at but I sure feel passionate about creating spaces that foster community and closeness and love and acceptance.
When their kids answered, they said they felt love w/ their parent’s friends and mentioned me. Their mom smiled and was happy. She said they never said those kinds of things before when they had a lot more friends. Now they have fewer friends but are focusing more on quality. She said it made her again realize on a sortof hard Monday that they continue to make the right choices in moving away from an old group of peers and finding new lands w/ new people.
That’s all for today. I am determined to become resilient with my emotions and abundant as well w/ love for myself and Jay. I’d like to become more of a student of Jay this year and celebrate him and his life. That’s not something I’ve felt the ability to invest in. I’ve not felt safe enough to give more than I had been giving. I think it’s a very good thing that’s changing. We both deserve it.