I stopped by to see Mom this evening and she was laying on her bed crying.
She said she doesn’t like living where she is, that she wonders why “you stuck me here.”
It was a blow to hear her say those things, but I didn’t get triggered. It was stressful but not triggering which is a victory for me.
We talked through it a few times, went through why they had to move. She feels bad for her husband. She feels like people don’t like her.
I don’t really know what to say or do. I know it must be lonely. They haven’t really made friends per se. There are people they are friendly with but yeah, it won’t be the same as living around your friends and family for your whole life, free to go and do what you wanted. I am not looking forward to it.
I saw myself somewhat in her, sad, crying, somewhat of a victim thinking. It made me sad she feels powerless and helpless to help herself. I don’t know how much is the dementia and how much is her personality. I know it’s just sad all around.
I wish our country had a more communal mindset in regards to the elderly. This is a nice property but not the nicest by far. Those were out of our price range. It feels sometimes like we did just stick them there. I didn’t know what else to do. They were falling apart in the country.
So it was sad. They don’t have much sense of purpose. They don’t have hobbies or outlets. They were mostly focused on church and somewhat the family. Friends. Mom used to sew and cook and can, but she doesn’t do any of that anymore. So yeah, she’s lost her life for the most part, at least how she saw it before.
She’s had good days in the past and her husband said this is the first time she’s cried like this. I don’t know if that’s true or not.
*****
I have had so much energy today.
My spot pain has come and gone, overall diminishing. I saw PT today and she said my sacrum continues to be super tight and is not articulating so she gave me yet another new exercise. I feel things continue to move in the right direction so remain hopeful.
I’m designing training plans at work for sales training and that feels productive and good. I have some sadness as it feels my art just keeps getting pushed aside. It’s up to me to push it to the front. I’m not a victim.
It has been really nice to have so much energy.
KT called this eve and we talked about some drama of things that happened to their house. She feels bad but not too bad. I am glad she called, but feel bad for the house stuff. She’s handling it well but it’s hard. I mostly was glad she felt she could call. More info for the “I’m loved by my kids” list.
I spent the evening at the house of some friends who went on a date. Their son was sleeping, and I just sat for them.
They have a wonderful home and have a lot of nature, balance and healthy spirituality and life skills in the mix. I like being there and super glad we are friends and in each other’s lives. I wish we lived a little closer but I’ll take what I can get. They aren’t that far away.
It made me remember how much I loved being a mom with smaller kids. I loved the rhythms of it, the forced routines and attention to seasons that somehow having kids means. You celebrate holidays more, you notice changes in nature because they are, you cook more, etc. It just feels like it somehow forces you more into the bosom of life. Their life pushes you more into real life. I miss that gap, pretty significantly.
There is part of me that has wanted to stay in a more corporate setting, somehow to prove I can do it, not go back to teaching and education as if it’s an escape somehow. The problem is, I feel a need for that energy and the energy of teaching and transforming people through shared wisdom and truth. That’s sort of the definition of a One.
So I’m considering that as I ponder my next steps. I have so many things I want to do and it feels like I have lived lives I didn’t really want to live. There is part of me that craves more attention and definitely craves more art. I feel like I live a somewhat clinical life w/ the main people I interact with are all geeks and business types. I like some of that, but it’s still out of balance like it always has been. That again is up to me to bring it into balance. I do absolutely love being downtown.
When I think about what’s next, I think about my own sexy sort, what things do I think about constantly and wonder about? Spirituality and community, how to be a human, beauty, nature, people, animals, photography, just the secrets of the universe.
Community experiences for me that triggered my interest started at our church and small meetings of groups of people instead of lots of programs at church. Then was the kid’s school where parents volunteered 90 hours a year and this community got created. Then it was our own group that evolved and people brought food back when they traveled and we ate together and then even traveled together and took turns cooking for each other. In the midst, one of the biggest ah-ha moments was in Canada when we stayed at an inn that had a shared breakfast. Mind-blowing. I was in heaven immediately.
I want more of all these things again in my life, more community, and also would love to study and teach on this as well. That and art and coaching and spirituality somehow.
We’ve created communities and so have our kids, wherever we’ve gone. We’ve created a new community of seekers that meets a couple times a month. We’ve created a business that people don’t want to leave. We created a family that still breathes love and joy across the miles. I just want more.