I am realizing how much loss I have to process.

I am trying to reconnect to my body. I talked w/ Jay about this this morning.

He has found it frustrating that I have viewed myself and my accomplishments so negatively.

I am realizing that going back to when I was a kid, I had to say no to myself and to my desires.

I would try to have things be different and they just wouldn’t. I knew by the time I was in high school, that something was seriously wrong with my family.

I went from that to being married young and having kids quickly thereafter.

I had a disease that ate the insides of me and that meant more surgeries, more disconnection from my body, scar tissue, sexual dysfunction.

We decided to move to Spokane to raise the girls, something we wouldn’t have done if we hadn’t had kids. We’ve had to have this business in order to stay here and now that we’re here, we are having a hard time leaving or getting away.

Then I was rear-ended two years ago and it just felt like the final straw, that you don’t really have much control over anything let alone your body which is now broken again just when you’ve put it back together.

I’ve lost motivation in the past year to really exercise much. It’s just all gotten to be too much with all the exercises for PT and all the doctor appointments. I’ve stuck w/ yoga but not much cardio to be honest.

I want this to end. I want to become strong and inhabit my body and let the energy that’s in there come out. I want to feel cheerful and happy and creative and vibrant. Many days, I still feel like I’m in a fog and wandering around. I don’t know that I feel energized by much yet. I still haven’t found passions that are life-giving. I still haven’t found a new purpose.

The people at work are happy. Our business is a gift. It seems like we’ve created a unicorn company. We put our hearts and souls into it all.