I keep fantasizing about being in the lake the other day.
Kay loved the story, loved hearing about how that’s where I ended up that day and what it meant, how it’s healing me.
I just want to get back there and feel the rocking of the water and let more stress and pain flow into the great waters of the deep.
A in SD does this a good deal. I don’t know if it just just the rhythm of the water or she mentally lets things go but she gets in the water a lot for healing and rejuvenation.
I’m working a lot and just trying to keep a tiger by it’s tail. This is definitely outside my comfort zone as I’m not really guiding things as so much lightly directing the energy flow and ideas. I’m barely in control. Yeah, barely.
So this is new for me to see so much chaos it appears and just let it flow, believing God is involved, good people are involved and I’m steering in the flow so what can go wrong.
Waterwaterwaterwater.
Tomorrow is one of our open houses. I wish I could have invited all my friends, but I had to do it in shifts. That feels weird and sort of betraying-ish, but my feelings are real and it’s okay.
*****
Best ideas at night, like how you’re asleep but you’re still alive. The world is turning and spinning beneath you as you sleep but you’re still alive. When you sleep, it sort of feels like you’re starting over everyday, but you really aren’t. You’re alive actually your entire life, not just your waking days. You’re alive for DECADES. You aren’t actually taking a break from being alive though it feels like it when you sleep. We sure need the break because being alive is trippy.
I’m sooo tired… but this.
In addition to healing in the water, I realized I’ve finally accepted that there are parts of me like my dad and parts of me that have in fact failed and been like what I’ve feared my entire life, that I’d end up like my dad, sick and crazy and alone and defeated and settled into it all.
There are some things I’ve done fanastically and some things just like him.
It feels strangely amazing to just be okay with how my life is unfolding and to embrace the now and to let other things come as they will. I’m done fighting whatever it is I fear so much and let even that be a teacher.
Ooooooo… it’s like Rumi just showed up.