How many years have I gone on vacation to run away?
I’m determined to not keep referencing my future with the past. However at times it overtakes me.
I wish I had done more to separate myself from our extended family and not tried so hard to make something impossible produce more than it could. I sort of went overboard trying to make something beautiful that I didn’t even really like that much. I guess I wanted to believe somehow it could be done.
I look at extended family photos from the wedding last summer and have mixed feelings. I think I wanted something more than anyone was interested in. I don’t really know to be honest. Three of the four siblings live 30 minutes outside town. We don’t travel or recreate together. I guess it just is what it is, and I’ve accepted that. I wanted more than that as a kid and as an adult.
Instead, we’ve found that closeness with friends and a few random family members. I guess that’s pretty common.
I just find it a bit sad when it takes a lot of work to raise kids. It’d be nice if things worked out better in the end. I’m glad we’re close to our kids and hopefully as the years go by, that’ll hold solid. There’s no guarantees.
They’ve decided to stay in Seattle for both holidays, and come home before hand to see everyone. I’m proud of them for making changes and also glad we still get to see them.
So here I am hanging out with friends that live near the ocean in San Diego. They’re some of our closest friends, and it feels comfortable to be together. They’ve had a rich life of travel and adventures, and I have to be careful at times as it reminds me of the years I lost with depression and my own issues related to fear and trying to please everyone. We’ve also invested thousands of hours and decades now in this business. If I think about it too much, that also is pretty depressing. It’s just sucked us dry and kept us from other things.
We’re who we are though.
I don’t know when you say that’s just what we did and what we do and accept it and when you decide you need to make a change.
I know my soul still feels heavy with loss.
I know I feel like I’ve missed out on something or somethings that are vitally important to who I am. I don’t even fully know what those things are.
It has been easy for me to look at literally anyone successful and feel intimidated because of this gnawing need for something else. It makes all that I’ve done and accomplished feel like not enough.
There was a line in the Crazy Brave book I read by Joy Harjo. She talked about how when you don’t listen to your shadow and all your creative energies, it comes back to haunt you… or something like that.
That’s what I’m trying to determine, what are those things?
For now, I’m just trying to get more disciplined w/ the basics, especially exercise and writing. I’m going to add in art and photography is a great place for me to start.
Like I said yesterday, I’m tired of the overthinking and ready for more doing. I’m tired of being sad and ready to be happy and just do things.
I hope in the process I can discover those things I love and feel less of this angst about my life.
For tonight, the ocean is pounding in the background. I’m so grateful my friends have this in their lives everyday. They’re enjoying it here and have stopped looking for a house. They’re enjoying the years w/ their daughter, and I’m so happy for them. They deserve it too just like so many people do where family things haven’t worked out that well.
I’m grateful tonight for Jay, for our girls, for my emerging health, for the artistic and athletic pursuits that are ahead. I’m ready to set some goals and get serious about having fun and enjoying our lives. I’m proud of all we’ve accomplished, and I hope there is a lot more of all of it to come.
I am going to fight the fear that my good years are behind me and keep learning and growing to whatever is next. I’m going to find the things that have to do w/ passion. Not just skills or interests but passion.
What would those things be?
Passion…