My pain was somewhat better today.
Jay suggested I start a journal to track what I do and if I get any results that are different here and there. I said I get tired of this part-time job but of course, he’s right.
I had an amazing session today doing some Welcoming Prayer. I envisioned a scene w/ my mom that has caused me significant pain over the years and something I repeat if I’m trying to explain to someone my core issue w/ my mom, namely she’s given away herself and her freedom to men her whole adult life.
The story has a lot of anger and under it, abandonment and deep sadness.
In Welcoming Prayer, you bring all those real feelings in and let yourself feel those feelings. You feel the pain and the suffering of it, knowing you’re experiencing it with the Divine, with the Christ as you’ve welcomed that spirit into the moment.
I did that today w/ this situation and I could feel it transitioning in my body from anger to sadness and the oddly, as Welcoming Prayer discusses, to acceptance.
I am tired of being angry. The spirit asked me that over twenty years ago one night I was sick: “Are you tired of being angry?” I guess I wasn’t as I’ve perfected it for twenty odd years.
I can give that anger away and still be safe.
That’s what I used anger for. I thought it would keep me safe.
It did keep me aware that people were hurting me, but it didn’t really stop people from hurting me and the anger was destructive in many, many ways.
What has helped me keep people from hurting me is learning boundaries and becoming less codependent w/ the universe. That’s what actually keeping me safer. That, and standing up for myself. Just basics.
Then I can release this anger and hostility once and for all. What a treat and a privilege, to finally be getting free.
I sent an email to group about meeting w/o going through a book. We’ll see what people say. I sat in on an interview at work and didn’t go crazy. Jay is doing a great job w/ our company and our staff. I can’t believe he’s held it all together while I fell apart. The office is spectacular and our staff has filled out nicely.
On we go.
We’ve had a friend visiting tonight and last week from Alaska. I’ve always admired her for her independent spirit and getting away from her toxic family. She went to school to become a counselor and lives alone still and of course has made good friends w/ people. She’s done some things I always wished I could do.
I’m happy with the changes happening in our lives here however and working in feeling grateful for that.
Finally, when at yoga today, the instructor said that due to it being her last day, she would give us feet and cranial adjustments if we wanted. I volunteered for both. She took both my feet in her hands and swayed them back and forth, side to side. Then she cradled my head and pulled on it.
What is really strange, is I had some kind of energy transfer experience. I felt some form of happiness and also just some aliveness come into me. I can’t even really define it as it was sort of this undefined change or experience, like I didn’t know where to put it in my current life schema.
I want to know more about that and what she did and what that was about. I would love more of that.
She came to yoga as an athlete but then stayed in it due to the mindfulness and spiritual components as well.
I think finding my identity and my body is a huge priority right now. Next would be anger removal replaced w/ detachment or lack of engagement with that emotion. Finally compassion and empathy for others instead of going back to my racing mind and energy that often crushed people I think, esp. anyone different than me that didn’t live life on my terms and how I thought was best.