My parents were unhappy today.
There is a smell in the apartment. The food is too fatty and there are too many desserts. The meds are wrong. Nothing has been right since they moved in.
It’s disappointing when the negativity starts to flood in. My step-dad is influencing how happy my mom is and there really isn’t anything I can do. It feels good to not get super triggered and to just leave tomorrow on vacation and know it is what it is.
This is the result of how they’ve lived their lives for many, many years.
How am I living my life??
I’ve had so many examples of how to live well. The lady in the hall yesterday who was cheerful and shared her name happily then said, “I won’t remember you tomorrow but it’s nice to meet you.” That could be them, but that’s not the path they chose. I don’t know why they didn’t choose that but they didn’t. They emphatically didn’t.
My mother-in-law is grateful everyday for all her small blessings.
I could go on and on. People that could complain and don’t.
I don’t know if they will ever be fully happy and settled or just complain and be angry.
I’m more taking this as a lesson in how I want to be. How DO I want to be because it starts now.
I’ve been struck by an article in the Atlantic about the Balkan Wars and how similar some of the lead-ups were to what we’re doing now in our country w/ our leadership. The nationalism, etc. It’s been another good reminder that these things matter, who we vote for and why.
My parents are my parents. We don’t have a lot philosophically in common. It is what it is. I am honoring them by taking care of their needs, but have no illusions that we’ll be close or I’ll have any emotional needs met.
I just hope I can keep mellowing out and not be the burden to my kids that our folks are to us. It’s an emotional burden, the differences and the toxicity.
Tomorrow I leave for Hawaii with no guilt whatsoever.
Jay is happy to leave.
We are living our life and moving on while doing our best for people who need us.
I did have a massage today. Yes.
*****
I had to talk w/ the old PA they worked w/ as well as the med staff at their new home to try and get the meds stabilized. Lots of emails and calls and discussions. I am not as angry and demanding as I used to be. That’s good I guess for all of us. I’m more requesting help but assuming people want to help me.
It does add the chaos that the orders were late getting into the system last week and now still issues this week due to the changes. Mostly it’s a ton of information for numerous people to be keeping track of, computers, emails, remote pharmacies, etc. It’s just so much work, but if they can be safe and relatively happy, it’s worth it.
I didn’t sense they liked the Bible study today either. Who knows. I just would like things to get more stable.
*****
The most important thing for me in all this is the continue to try and hold everyone w/ compassion including my parents. This has been a sudden and jarring life change that they didn’t ask for and don’t fully understand or choose not to. I’m just trying to hold it all with compassion and not overreact, not attack people, not be aggressive like I was w/ Ashton. It’s not worth it.
It’s not worth it in relationships lost and bridges burned when I can’t be reasonable when things are stressful.
Instead of blaming and attacking and assuming incompetence, realize people are trying their best and are skilled and care. Realize they are doing what they do because they love it. Help me be someone that doesn’t wish they had another job.
Admit when I make a mistake which I did in this case.
Be kind.
Be human even if it just means being sad that it’s so hard, and not blaming anyone.
Ask if you can help instead of just complaining.
Keep changing.
Anger has too high of a price to pay.
This is a good place. These are good people. Be reasonable.
Just because this is challenging right now, keep calm and stay level-headed. Don’t make things worse. Learn from what happened with the last doctor and your aggressiveness. You didn’t have to be that way. You can be different now.
Don’t switch to being too submission or pleading. Just don’t get mad and angry and defensive.
My mottos for this season continue to be:
Save the outrage
Don’t take it personally
There are no villains
You didn’t make this mess
You can’t totally fix it
Lastly, I have more energy when I’m less angry. I’m also more disciplined.
I don’t know if I’ll stay on this anti-depressant or not. We’ll see. I don’t want to react to just one article I saw online about the one I’m in in very low doses.