Feeling better today.
Last night, watched Queer Eye w/ KT after our evening of thrifting, dinner at a Taiwanese restaurant and a drive across the GG Bridge.
In one episode, there was tension of rejection of the community against a gay church member. A couple of the Fab Five talked about their experience of being rejected by their families for being gay.
I found myself crying, not unlike years ago when watching The Runaway Bride. I had this sense that the story was my story, and that my rage was coming from pain, the pain of knowing if my parents knew who I really was, they’d reject me.
I guess I’d intellectually knew that; I didn’t realize how deeply tied it was to my identity and core soul.
It helped to cry and release it, to realize I have to let this go and let them go. It’s just not going to happen. Mom loves me deeply and that’s what I have to remember. I can’t ask for more from her; it won’t happen.
*****
Probably the very most important motto I’ve adopted this week is this: Save the outrage.
I’ve been outraged by the outrageous things that are happening around me. I’ve felt alone to some degree, alone with my unique way of seeing what is coming and what can and most likely will happen. It is a curse to see this presciently.
It means the tragic choice I always face: do I act alone on preventing what I know will happen or do I let it go? Do I let people meander around in their ignorance and feel the weight of what I already see? Or do I step in to prevent it?
When I step in, I’m rarely admired or even acknowledged for what I could foresee. Sometimes people don’t even realize I’ve averted a catastrophe. I save the day, repeatedly. Because sometimes I avert the threat before it’s real, there isn’t even a perception that I’ve saved anything. If I try and bring it up quietly or just hopefully, for a little awareness even, there is definitely the sense I’m seeking attention or affirmation or am needy. It’s not worth it.
So yeah, outrageous things are happening. Jay is finally seeing all the twists and turns. My brother is starting to see. My other sibling I don’t think understands yet. So I soldier on alone, hoping to avert crisis, but knowing I very well might not if others don’t fully get onboard.
So save the outrage. Do my best, but save the anger. I’m too outraged by too many things. It’s killing me.
The calmness and disconnection feels new and is pleasing. I feel like I’m reconnecting to the world again. I’ve been obsessed by the nature of this situation, and it’s absorbed my thoughts and emotions. I’m ready for that to stop.
Save it.
Save the outrage.