Monday Poem

Superman

I saw a very old Superman episode once.

He was trying to get a woman to believe
The chains on her wrists
Were made of paper

I think about that
Paper chains.
She’d made her own prison.

Maybe I should make some
Paper chains
That I break
One by one
Like, the opposite
Of waiting for a holiday.

What would they say?

You can’t do anything else
Your life is mostly over already
No one likes you
No one respects you
You’re past your prime
Your best work is behind you
Your kids have moved on
You’re alone
You’ll always be the caregiver
Your body will never fully heal
You’re too weak to ever be strong
Your mind is too damaged
Your life will always be scattered
You will always get sucked into messes
Your best work will be done for others
Your art offers nothing

Just take one a day
Tear it apart
Maybe a small fire
What would it feel like

When it’s gone?
Would I be Superman?

*****

I feel strangely hopeful today.

It started yesterday morning after I came home and had been at the gym.

I feel like the pieces of my life are starting to come together. I don’t feel as fragile. I feel hopeful. I feel strong. I feel like my style around the house and my clothing is slowly coming together. I’m enjoying being more active. I feel like I can see the value in what I’ve been doing all these years and also what is ahead. I believe I will have a life of contributions ahead. I believe it is just a matter of making choices then putting my energy into action.

The house stuff is a big deal for me. It’s been very strange to not have art around, for things to be stored away for later display when I get my act together. That’s sort of what my mom did, but my aunt has her art everywhere. It makes a difference. It feels homey. It feels like the people that live there. I want to have my art out, art of others, just beauty more around. The kitchen feels better finally. That’s the first room that is starting to feel whole. These things make a difference in my sanity and feeling like my life isn’t a mess.

The cleaning out has been huge. I can’t believe how much sorting we’ve had to do. I can’t believe how much I’ve saved, papers, etc. Jay did a huge cleaning out when we moved. That’s where much of his stuff is kept. He has El’s old room that he has stuff in and then a big chest downstairs. The rest is mine or the kids. I hope to not have the kid’s stuff around forever.

It is very strange, this reversal of the kid’s leaving. We spent all these years making this a house for children of varying ages. Now they are gone, and it’s going in reverse. It is a bit challenging to know what the keep and what to get rid of. We will maybe have grandkids around again, and we still have kids from group over fairly often. So we’ve kept the basics, but a lot is going away.

Then there is all the stuff from my grandma that I never used w/ my own kids. Mom kept it and didn’t even know it was there I think until she moved. That’s just not how I want things to be going forward. It’s either in circulation, you know where it is, etc. or it’s gone. I just don’t like this holding on of things.

The cards I went through yesterday were another surprise. I’ve thought more about my brother and his letters and cards I think have been a way for him to stay connected to us. I don’t want to take that for granted. He has done that. It’s just hard to have someone so toxic in that relationship. I remember a card he sent me years ago, back in college, where he was happy we were so close. He said something to the effect that he’d be really sad if that didn’t continue, if he married someone that came between us. It was sort of shocking to see him even be aware of that possibility, because that’s exactly what happened. I don’t know why it did. I tried to make it work, but there was hostility and lack of interest. It still sortof surprises me, how deeply it runs and how toxic it is.

You never know what you will find or what memories are triggered when you read an old card or letter. I think we’ll miss that with email.