I’m tired.
I have been working on Project Piper solidly for the last four years, pretty much nonstop.
Then the car accident put my body into another series of issues to deal with and a lot more pain.
I feel like I’m also going into some other layer of emotional healing and just am tired. I’m shocked at what I’m uncovering and my fight/flight/freeze is starting to shut down. I just don’t feel like pushing myself too much right now. I’m ready to rest and enjoy life a bit more I think than I have.
But I really don’t know why I’m so tired and sort of just want to rest and relax. I’m not worrying about it. I have a ton to do, but I just want to make slow, steady progress on the basics and figure I’ll have more energy again before long for the bigger projects I tend to dive in and get done. I think I’m ready for a vacation.
*****
One other thing that’s happened the last few weeks.
I moved a bunch of shit out of the living room and put it in the kid’s bedroom. I realized I could make two desk areas: one downstairs with paper and writing and cards and art, etc. One upstairs in the kid’s room for photography stuff, maybe my laptop more there, cords, etc.
It feels incredible to be finally sorting where things go after all these years. It’s been a huge struggle to find space in this house for the way I work and like to work, the things I like around and need, etc.
I imagine an ideal world, I’d have a huge studio space for everything, but that isn’t happening right now. I’m just super excited I thought of this (it actually sortof just came to me… thank you) and then it was like, boom, game changer. It makes the living room waaaay less cluttered all the time. Jay is so chill about this stuff. I would have been yelling about his shit everywhere years ago. By the bench. On the couch. On the dining room table. Downstairs. Basically sprawled everywhere. It’s just been really hard to figure out how to organize everything and make everything work.
It has felt like a very real need, to have things organized, before I feel I can fully get creative and get serious about things. I still don’t know where some supplies and notes are that I’d want handy when I get busy.
So just splitting things up a bit and getting two desks up and running is huge.
I brought the one table top in from the garage as well as the other file cabinet so that’s all in the house now and is going to get used. The downstairs desk is now super clean and clear. I wrote letters on it today and it was divine. The other one has to go upstairs and get set up. The dresser is going into the closet (again) and that’ll make room for the other desk.
These things all seem to take a lot of energy and emotion and time and thought and more energy.
I need to see all that I’m doing to make things happen and not just wonder what the hell I do all the time.
*****
The World Championships in skiing are happening right now. I’ve been tracking it a little bit, but not a ton. It’s in Switzerland.
I was fascinated watching the results of the women’s events. In several races. Lindsey Vonn didn’t even start her races; one she didn’t even finish. Then, she pulls out a bronze medal in alpine downhill. Same with Michaela Shiffrin. She wins gold in Giant Slalom and then also doesn’t start a few races.
This was really huge for me.
The very, very, VERY best athletes in their sports have off days and off seasons and off years. They get injured and have to decide whether to rehab or not.
It’s just how life is.
We see life as this linear thing where you’re good or awful, and if you have a failure, it’s over. It’s not true.
I’m sitting here w/ my hip hurting after a massage and just figure it’s part of the deal. It’ll keep getting better and I’ll keep getting more answers.
The massage gal said she’s fired clients because they come into her thinking she can make them completely better. I told her the work I’m doing, and she appreciated it.
So yeah. It’s up to me, and I’m making it happen.
I’m not giving up. This is my life. I’m getting better, my head and heart are clearing and my body is healing.
The time ahead is my time.
*****
Finally, thoughts on marriage.
We have gone through a hard patch in the marriage since this person harassed me and now is fired. Jay is stressed, I’m trying not to be stressed. I’m just mainly not thinking about it.
My whole married life, I’ve been surrounded by books and people and workshops and therapists and experts and friends and family all saying billions of words on how to be married.
There are plans and processes and tricks and tips and rules and suggestions and charts and ideas and more plans and more suggestions.
There is a little wisdom in it all, but not much, I would say.
The biggest problem I have with self-help books in general: they do not allow for diversity of people and marriages and life situations.
Example: I remember reading once you needed to tell your partner you loved them a certain number of times a day.
What if you do it differently? What if that feels stilted to you?
Tonight, we are both very tired. We both needed alone time more than a lot of together time. We had a short dinner together then went to different parts of our house to relax and unwind. Jay upstairs reading, me downstairs watching a show and writing letters.
Just reading this, my body and mind says, “Ahhhhh….”
Maybe to someone, this looks wrong. Maybe too others, it sounds ideal.
I get that you can drift apart easily, especially if you don’t spend much time together. I get the need for good communication and working together well and partnering well. I get all that and I agree with all that.
What matters to me over time is that we are living life together. What that means is, we’re going to hang in there with each other through all of life.
All of life pretty much always has hard stuff in it. Sometimes horrible stuff in it. Sometimes it lasts for years. Sometimes, that stuff is so horrible, it can break up the marriage.
See?
Suddenly, an evening apart, maybe trips apart, maybe whatever you need to do to relax, doesn’t seem so bad when the alternative might be divorce.
It changes the picture. It lets people breathe. It lets people off the hook. It lets them be human and still in love and committed to someone. It takes away the guilt. It helps us all be who we need to be.
I find this pretty comforting to think about.