I was able to finally spend time w/ Mom just having fun.
I took her to the conservatory. She wanted to stop and look at all the plants, read the labels, actually talk about the plants and take it in. I had reminded myself to go slow, not have an agenda, let her dictate but still found myself trying to hurry through the entire place in 15 minutes. Dear God at this age I have to keep learning this lesson.
Mom was actually trying to be present, and I was just on a schedule to complete a task.
I hope someday it will be easier. At least this time, I wasn’t frustrated and saw immediately who was the wise one. So I guess that’s progress, and I’ll stop beating myself up now.
We had some coffee and a piece of bread at the Rockwood Bakery then headed to the bank. I picked up some money from her account for her so she had some. I asked her if she’d like to see her finances more. She said yes. That was a good discussion. We talked about her family, and her history and times growing up. I think she needs this and I probably do too. I’m glad I took the time to do it.
It was a rough week last week. My stepdad continues to push and push to have his own way regardless of what’s best for mom. I tried to not be angry during our meeting but I’m sure I came across aggressive. It seems like he’s accepted the reality of the situation which is appropriate.
Mom feels like shit about everything. It’s really sad. I don’t feel anymore like I can substantially change it, other than to have her someplace like this that is safe, kind and caring. She is surrounded by good people and is no longer at the mercy of the family in the woods. What an insane story. So I feel I can rest tonight and know I’ve done good. She will never be fully happy with this disease and her conditioning. But I know she’s having a lot of moments of happiness.
Jay and I chatted this eve and I’m marveling at not being in significant pelvic pain. I was reading my medical journal I’ve tried to keep notes in about all this. What an insane ride. I had another series of shots last week, probably the fourth one I’m guessing. Lots of pain meds that helped for several days and now back to none. That’s just bizarre, bizarre. I just feel compelled to write this down so I can be a witness.
We leave tomorrow for Seattle and I’m tired. I went to work today and tried to be helpful but wasn’t. I was just passing through. I’m worn out and need a break. I go to work and have to create things from nothing and Jay does it way more than me. I’m ready to turn it off and chill w/ the fam. It was an effort to coordinate the family holiday plan for everyone. I’m grateful that got settled.
Tomorrow and new day. And the road.
And a few months ago, I would have done anything for a day like today, an ordinary day where I wasn’t just managing meds and pain all day.
And here I am.
How am I using my time?
Never forget.
This am, I met w/ a refugee from a local program we sponsor. She told her story and it deeply impacted me. I have so much, SO MUCH, to be thankful for. That doesn’t mean my pain isn’t real, but it does mean it’s okay to have perspective and to reach higher up the scale to a higher state of being. I’m reaching for gratitude to help w/ the depression that still comes and goes.
Notecard note: I have random notecards floating around the house. It drives me crazy now as they’re so disjointed and disorganized, floating everywhere. Here’s a few:
Once I became alive, it became harder and harder to care about the things that had previously been my life.
Grieve, not anger. Acceptance and move forward, not stuck. Acknowledge, then pursue a different path.